La Liga has named the referee who’ll be booking legendary sh*thouse Sergio Ramos during this weekend’s El Clasico fixture between Real Madrid and Lionel Messi FC.
Antonio Miguel Mateu Lahoz has been chosen to yellow card the Madrid defender for a cynical foul within the first 10 minutes of Sunday’s game. It’s the 5th time in his career the 42-year-old has been selected to book Ramos and the Valencia native is relishing the opportunity.
‘Only 3 things are certain in this life’, philosophised Lahoz. ‘Death, taxes and that b*stard Ramos will get a yellow card.
‘Whether it’s a two-footed lunge around neck-height, a sly elbow off the ball or a UFC-style arm lock takedown, Sergio will inevitably be booked’, he explained.
Since making his debut in 2003, the Spain defender has received a couple of thousand bookings and 500-odd sending offs. It gives Ramos the dubious distinction of being the most carded player in the history of both football and poker.
To mark his achievements, La Liga has confirmed they will retire the yellow card in Ramos’ honour when the Madrid star finally decides to hang up his boots.
‘It’s a fitting gesture to recognise the feats of without doubt, the biggest b*stard in the history of sport’, confirmed La Liga CEO Javier Gómez Molina.
Ramos’ glittering disciplinary record stretches back across 18 seasons but his family knew he’d be a dirty footballer from the day he was born.
‘Sergio was born 30 March 1986, a healthy 8lb 4oz baby boy, who exited the womb feet first’, recalled his father, Jose María Ramos.
Ramos Sr fondly remembers his son’s first ever game of football for a local boy’s club at the age of 6. ‘I remember it well’, recalls Jose. ‘He was sent off for swearing at the linesman and kicking dirt in the referee’s eyes’, he wept.
Meanwhile, Gareth Bale is a major doubt for Sunday’s El Clasico after pulling the other one, according to Zinedine Zidane. It’s a devastating blow for Bale who only recently returned to first team duty after a lengthy bout of Bieber Fever.
Real boss Zidane made the announcement during a pre-match press conference ahead of Sunday’s must-win encounter against their arch-rivals. ‘We’re still waiting on the results of a scan but it looks like Gareth has pulled the other one’, revealed the 47-year-old French World Cup winner.
Cameras caught the 30-year-old winger hobbling off the training pitch and heading straight to the Madrid treatment room, recently renamed ‘The Gareth Bale Suite’.