If you have been living under a rock recently – or have simply blocked Piers Morgan on Twitter – you may have missed the latest goings-on in the British monarchy.
In what is a real spoiler for the seventh series of The Crown, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle dramatically announced they were stepping back from being working members of the Royal Family. Instead, they’re forging a new path where they can lead totally normal, completely private lives, away from the prying lenses of the media… except when they want to appear on chat shows, obviously.
This very modern abdication has been the talk of the planet in the past few weeks. So much so that we wouldn’t be surprised if leading figures in another national institution – the Premier League – have considered taking the plunge and opting for something totally different themselves.
But what can we envisage them realistically doing instead?
Frank Lampard boasts a unique talent, and we’re not talking about his ability as a player to score countless goals despite every other shot ricocheting off defenders like he’s stuck in a grassy pinball machine.
We are in fact referencing his uncanny ability to go from lighthearted-joke-to-serious-point seamlessly in the blink of an eye…
Possibly the smoothest, most effortless transition yet: 8/10 pic.twitter.com/ehUAXdflR1
— Adam Hurrey (@FootballCliches) December 6, 2019
Bold move from Lampard, as he goes for the unprecedented lighthearted-point-serious-point-lighthearted-point-serious-point combination. pic.twitter.com/vFLlTWwWSS
— Adam Hurrey (@FootballCliches) December 22, 2019
Such a skill set makes him an ideal presenter for everyone’s favourite smorgasbord magazine programme, The One Show. Then all he needs to do is convince wife Christine to return to the show that made her famous, and Richard & Judy can finally step aside as TV’s prominent married power couple.
At the age of 37, the Spaniard is two years Prince Harry’s senior. In other words, he is two years overdue his footballing abdication should he fancy it. And there is really only one line of work the fresh-faced Arsenal boss could go into: haircare.
Mikel Arteta is in temporary charge of Man City tonight.
Look at that hair. 13 years in English football and it's not moved out of place once. pic.twitter.com/uw982zjwB0
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) September 19, 2018
Just look at that incredibly impressive mane of hair that sits proudly atop his bonce. It’s like a Lego man who has used dollops of Regaine, heartily infused with Just for Men, every single day without fail since he entered the world. Yet somehow it is 100% natural. What lunatic wouldn’t want to follow Mikel’s hair regime?
There’s only one thing a man with such tremendous spirit, wonderful character and super work ethic can do: bag his own self-improvement series on Netflix.
We can picture it now. The gleaming Northern Irishman travelling up and down the country to overhaul the attitudes and lifestyles of those lacking in self-confidence and self-belief. All these emotional tales would be interspersed with Rodgers sharing how he’s recovered from his own negative life experiences, such as the time Steven Gerrard’s slip cost his Liverpool side the title, or when he had to fly economy on easyJet.
— Liverpool FC News (@LivEchoLFC) October 13, 2015
It would sort of be like Queer Eye, but with more fake tan, shinier teeth and an entire episode dedicated to the benefits of boxfit classes.
There’s no doubt that Dyche has done a tremendous job at the helm of Burnley, twice guiding them to the Premier League and establishing them as a mainstay in the division. But do you know where he’d instantly be able to do an even better job? As a bouncer at Popworld Manchester.
He ticks all the boxes required for a top-quality doorman: tall, burly, intimidating presence, gruff voice, shaved head and questionable facial hair. If he told you you’re not coming in tonight because you’ve had “a few too many already, lad!”, you’re not going to argue with him, are you?
Weary Woy deserves to simply slide on a pair of comfortable slippers, pop on a knitted cardigan and start tucking into the Werther’s Originals. And who can blame him? The 72-year-old has held almost as many managerial posts as Prince Philip has unveiled plaques, and deserves to put his feet up rather than trying to get his head around what the f*ck VAR is doing.
We’d certainly be envious of his new lifestyle.
Football management is a high-octane job, a role that completely engulfs your life 24/7 and is impossible to switch off from. The all-encompassing nature of it emphatically takes its toll on anyone, especially someone as passionate and hot-headed as Watford gaffer Nigel Pearson.
That’s why we see a future for Nigel in winding down and embracing a slower pace of lifestyle. Specifically, becoming an ostrich farmer would work wonders for his health – being out in the sticks, breathing in fresh air, enjoying exercise and a refreshing change of scenery. Everything about it screams a sensible move.
Actually, that’s a load of tosh. We just wanted a reason to watch Pearson skewer the journalist with his head in the sand for old time’s sake…