Ryan Giggs is undergoing hair surgery in an attempt to get his barnet back to something like the mid-1990s version when those curly locks terrorised full-backs all over Europe.
The former Welsh wing wizard now national team manager, featured in a double page spread last weekend giving the reader a blow-by-blow account of just how he intends to win the battle against the ever expanding island that has been appearing on his bonce over the past decade or so.
We reckon Giggsy should try shock tactics to improve his image and attempt to try to emulate these five fantastic follicle f**k-ups.
CHRIS WADDLE
The most famous sausage maker in Newcastle burst onto the scene for his hometown club in the early 1980s. By the middle of the decade however, a move to Tottenham Hotspur had seen Chris fall victim of the absurd craze sweeping the country in which blokes would keep their hair short on top whilst letting it grow long at the back – the mullet!
A top ten single with his Spurs team-mate Glenn Hoddle in 1987 failed to give Chris any credibility and when he rolled up at Italia ’90 with England having recently moved to Marseille, the locals in Sardinia (where the Three Lions played their group matches) looked aghast. Italian style thankfully got a hold of Waddle as the tournament (and England) progressed and by the time he’d ballooned the ball over the bar in the semi-final shoot-out against West Germany, his bonnet was looking much more “on fashion”.
Time, then, for Waddle to head back to his club side and, ignoring the lessons of a few years previous, attempt more chart success this time with Marseille team-mate Basile Boli.
BARRY VENISON
Just what they were sticking in the Newcastle Brown Ale in the late 80s heaven only knows, but former Sunderland, Liverpool and Newcastle defender Barry Venison took crimes against hairdressing to a whole new level. Rumours at the time suggested that Barry had an entire annex to himself at Anfield, due to the amount of hair products needed to keep his bonnet looking in pristine condition.
When he got a job as a TV pundit, Baz went full Dynasty (ask your parents) wearing sports jackets with shoulder pads so large, he could only walk through doors sideways. The fact it took Venison until the birth of Britpop to finally get rid of his flowing locks is not a reflection on his musical tastes that were changing; more the fact that sticker album guru’s Panini claimed that they didn’t have a camera lens wide enough to take in all of his demi-wave.
CARLOS VALDERRAMA
Let’s get one thing straight right away – former Colombian midfield legend Carlos Valderrama is not the father of Arsenal defender David Luiz, despite having his Sideshow Bob hairdo 10 years before The Simpsons burst onto our screens. The man known as “El Pibe” (The Kid) is considered to be one of the country’s finest ever footballers despite a hairstyle that at its 90’s peak, was understood to weigh three stone.
The three-time South American Footballer of the Year kept his flowing locks well into retirement and last summer he shocked everyone when he appeared in the local press having appeared to have had his barnet straightened. Thankfully, it was only a hoax for a TV commercial which is probably for the best, as it made him resemble Britney Spears post rehab.
MICK COOP
Chances are not many people outside of Coventry will have ever heard of Mick Coop, the man who played over 400 games for the Sky Blues and whose mum was still cutting his hair with a basin well into his mid-30s.
Kids of a certain vintage will all have the same school photo taken when they were about 8-9 years old, with a front tooth missing and a bowl cut; every Coventry City team photo from the 1970s features Mick with his trademark look wearing the iconic Sky Blue jersey produced by Admiral.
The emergence of punk-rock and new romantics was totally ignored by Mick, who stayed true to his Grimsby roots and whose haircut would later become the template for Madchester indie legends The Inspiral Carpets.
York City FC
Mick Coop (Loan) pic.twitter.com/xrLyDH7Dfk— Superb Footy Pics (@SuperbFootyPics) October 9, 2018
MAREK HAMSIK
The Slovakian international is idolised in Naples; not only for twelve years sterling service which saw him become the club’s all-time record appearance maker, but also for the fact that he managed to command the midfield whilst sporting a hairstyle resembling that of a broom head.
Some of his former team-mates are quick to recount tales of Marek in his early days at the San Paolo, being pushed around the dressing-room floor by senior pros, sweeping up all the dog ends before expertly placing them into a dustpan prior to being given the captain’s armband later in his career.
Why does Marek Hamsik look like he’s on Question Time complaining about the lack of government funding in 19th century abstract art?#UCL pic.twitter.com/iAywZg3a46
— The Sun Dream Team (@dreamteamfc) December 10, 2019
His bristled look became as much a staple of Italy’s top-flight as match-fixing and scantily clad TV anchor women. And, with the latest reports suggesting that having moved to the Chinese Super League to reunite with his former Napoli boss Rafa Benitez at Dalian Yifang, Hamsik could be set to make a shock return to Italy to promote his new wine label.
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