The big day is almost upon us and I bet many of you reading this have already had your Christmas party, which hopefully included copious amounts of saturated fats and, of course, the occasionally dreaded Secret Santa.
Now a staple of 21st-century yuletide festivities, SS is a sure fire way to land yourself with a piece of tat that you’ll keep for 12 months before landing it on some other poor unsuspecting member of the human race.
We decided then, to have a bit of holiday fun ourselves by inviting you to play Paddy Power’s Secret Santa gift guide and asking you to match it with the Premier League footballer from the list below:
Scroll down and match the footballer with the gift. The answers will follow at the end of the article, so don’t go spoiling it by having a look there first!
1. KEN HOM – MY STIR FRIED LIFE
For lovers of everything from the Far-East, there’s no better stocking filler than the autobiography of the man who made Chinese cooking sexy all around the world
Ken Hom has been knocking the shit out of a chow-mein for as long as any of us can remember and this book is the perfect accompaniment to the array of recipe books the maestro has published, many of which have been translated into hundreds of different languages.
The Hom empire has grown so big, he’s even put his name to some of the best Chinese cookery utensils money can buy, so if after reading his memoirs, you feel like dabbling in the kitchen, maybe you could treat yourself in the January sales to Ken’s carbon steel wok.
2. OPERATION BOARD GAME
The classic 1970s children’s game has had a 21st-century re-vamp but the rules are pretty much the same: Try to get body parts out of a young Gary Neville lookalike using tweezers without touching the sides thus making him buzz and his nose light up.
Not only is Operation an after-pub classic in student households around Britain, it’s also educational as it allows you to see just how the human body is intricately connected.
What better way for a permanently injured footballer to work out just how long his latest spell on the sidelines is set to last.
Before having any surgery, always make sure your doctor can beat you at the board game Operation. pic.twitter.com/MJnuZUTPcv
— Rob Gotobed!? (@robgotobed) October 5, 2018
3. DISGUISE SET FEATURING GLASSES, EYEBROWS, FALSE NOSE AND A MOUSTACHE
Being in the public eye makes it damned difficult for any footballer to play away from home, but this disguise set might just make those dawn escapes that little bit easier. The one featured here will make you look the spitting image of the great American slapstick star Groucho Marx, as you slip out of a swanky West London apartment block before diving into your expensive 4×4 that is secretly parked close by.
Of course there are other disguise sets available and ones that are far more complex than this one. Be careful however not to bring too much attention to yourself, because legging it out of a mews building at two in the morning dressed as the Honey Monster is gonna get the neighbours talking and get you a one-way ticket out of the Premier League.
— Groucho (@AllThingsMarx) December 12, 2019
4. THE ROUGH GUIDE TO ENGLISH FOOTBALL FIRST EDITION
Some of the stadiums may have changed but Dan Goldstein’s 1999 publication remains the Bible of all football guide books. As a player recently landed on these shores and playing for a club who you know you are far too good for, what better way to get clued up on some of English football’s biggest names than reading this ahead of a potential big January move.
Of course all the information you need is now at your fingertips, but that would be fairly useless in an article such as this one, so Goldstein’s classic, which is packed with facts and figures as well as a guide you to all the best pubs around the area, will sit nicely on any coffee table or even in the toilet.
5. BEARD GROOMING KIT
A staple of any visit to your local pub on Christmas Day is usually the stench of newly acquired men’s aftershave, which has basically been bought by someone who has no idea what to get you for the big day. As the hipster community grows around the country however, this season’s must-have is not your usual smelly stuff, but some sort of beard grooming kit.
For the man who always looks like he’s just stepped off the front cover of GQ magazine, it’s important to look your best even after a punishing 10-minute substitute appearance away at Burnley and the market has been flooded this yule, with products to keep that facial infestation looking its best in any weather.
Happy Christmas everyone!