Fitba Roundup: Scottish matchday cuisine has peaked with the pizza-chip sandwich

Never change.

Hibernian FC fans Easter Road

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Elvis, 2003 Pop Idol, the UFC and an American novelist. A list so mental that it could only ever make sense when talking about another week of the fitba.

Once again two worlds bizarrely collided as the violent world of mixed martial arts met Scottish football. Anyway, enough about Ryan Porteous’ tackle, did you see UFC’s Jorge Masvidal is a big fan of Scottish football?

Well, not the football as such, but the pizza chip sandwich thing that one Easter Road fan thought was a good idea. A fantastic creation and one that ranks third in the “Scottish foods most likely to cause a cardiac arrest” category, behind pie in a roll and battered mars bars.

As for the tackle, it was one which caused much debate, with many Hibs fans outraged by the blatant corruption of the SFA and bias towards Rangers. I’m not saying they’re deluded, and if we ignore the fact he purposefully slowed down to ensure he arrived at the ball at the same time as Barisic before lunging in off the ground with his studs up, it’s possible that the angry mob down at Easter Road might be onto something.

Thankfully, as we search for a conclusion to the argument, we find ex-Rangers player Kyle Hutton summing it up pretty nicely:

In a world where a song about sausage rolls can become Christmas number one, radio station Clyde One decided to have a go at making their own Scottish football banger. It’s so, so bad but at the same time impossible to stop watching. The track features a number of Scottish clubs, GBX’s George Bowie and 2003 Pop Idol winner, Michelle McManus. All perfectly normal:

Whilst the song may suggest Scottish football is all about fun and games, the beautiful game actually teaches many valuable life lessons. One excellent example, perfectly demonstrated by Leith Athletic this week, is never trust your mates when they tell you the weekend away is fancy dress. Ever:

“The goal isn’t to live forever. The goal is to create something that will.”

Wise words from Chuck Palahniuk and, whilst I’m not entirely sure who he is, I am sure that Hugh Burns has achieved just that. Almost two years on from his commentary meltdown, Celtic fans are still finding new ways to enjoy his heartbroken outburst from their 3-2 Old Firm win at Ibrox.

Following on from the Livi admin’s Twitter meltdown earlier this season, the only acceptable way to describe a screamer in Scotland is “thunder-twatted rocket” and, on Saturday, a thunder-twatted rocket is exactly what Morton’s Nicky Cadden produced:

Of course, being Scottish football, no one cares about the goal itself. Good hit mate yeah, well done, but how did Twitter react? Well, Morton’s Twitter remained as calm and professional as you would expect:

The caps lock took even more of a beating as the ‘Ton doubled their lead minutes later and recorded their first away win of the season. Can someone check on the admin to see if they’re ok?

To conclude, there’s an absence of Hearts patter this week to give their fans a much-needed break, but they continue to be the gift that keeps on giving, as their 2-0 defeat to Hamilton leaves them sitting bottom of the Premiership over the festive period. Merry Christmas.

Hearts are 11/2 to finish bottom of the Premiership in 2019-20