The year is 1999. Bill Clinton denies having sexual relations with ‘that’ woman. Ricky Martin is ‘Livin La Vida Loca’ and all live Premier League games are shown exclusively on Sky Sports for twenty-five quid a month. They were simpler times.
But then some bright spark at the Office of Fair Trading decided it would be ‘much better for fans’ to allow media companies other than Sky to show live Premier League football.
Skip forward twenty-years and anyone wanting to watch all the live Premier League games must have a subscription for everything from BT Sport to the fucking Readers Digest.
But never fear, Paddy’s got you covered with our handy guide to watching all this week’s live games:
Step One: Go Through the Wardrobe Door to Narnia
If you want to watch all this week’s Premier League games, you must begin your quest by entering the land of Narnia via a magical wardrobe. There you will be greeted by faun-like beast called Titus Bramble, who will escort you on your journey to meet the Premier League Lion, the rightful ruler of Narnia. Together, you will battle against the evil forces of Trading Standards and restore the Premier League Lion to his throne.
Step Two: Complete the Aztec Level in Goldeneye while blindfolded
As if defeating the Aztec Guards, equipped with their US AR33 Assault Rifles, Hand Grenades and Moonraker Lasers, wasn’t fucking hard enough – you’ll be doing so with a football sock tied around your head, thus rendering you blind. If by some fluke you manage to successfully navigate your way through the Aztec ruin, you’ll unlock 007 Mode allowing you to watch games on Amazon.
Step Three: Bring Peace to the Middle East
Your next task is to broker a peace deal that will finally bring stability to one of the world’s most war-torn regions. Whether or not you can bring an end to the conflict in the Middle East will be a true test of how determined you are to watch all the live games on tele. Can you succeed where Yasser Arafat, Benjamin Netanyahu and Donald Trump have failed?
Step Four: Deliver Brexit
If you’ve managed to talk your missus into paying for three separate subscriptions for live football, then negotiating the UK’s withdrawal from the European Union should be a piece of piss for a master arbitrator like you. All you have to is find a solution to the ‘Irish Backstop’ question. The question being, what the fuck is a ‘backstop’?
Step Five: Get Oasis to Re-unite
The final step in your quest to watch all this week’s live Premier League football, is to finally bring an end to the feud between the warring Gallagher boys. Even though the Mancunian mouthpieces have spent the past ten years ripping the shit out of each other on Twitter, there are those still harbouring hopes the bickering brothers will bury the hatchet and reform Oasis. The siblings are renowned for being Man City’s most famous supporters. There was also a period during the 90s when they were Man City’s only supporters.