Halloween has eclipsed Christmas as social media’s d*ck measuring contest of the year.
Gone are the days of costumes made from bin liners, cheap plastic false-faces and Jack-o’-lanterns carved from turnips. Now it’s Hollywood standard make-up and elaborately whittled pumpkins to flaunt on Instagram.
And it would appear that our Premier League football stars are just as competitive off the field when it comes to their extravagant choice of Halloween costumes.
Here we take a look at the top five this year…
The highest-paid player in Arsenal’s history took the opportunity to remind everyone at the club he still exists by dressing as a milk cartoon with his very own missing person’s appeal emblazoned across it.
The 31-year-old World Cup winner strutted into Arsenal’s Hertfordshire-based training ground this morning in full-costume looking like a life-size version of the sentient milk carton known as ‘Milky’ from the music video for Blur’s 1999 hit ‘Coffee and TV’.
The former Werder Bremen and Real Madrid star spent most of the session doing star jumps in front of a completely disinterested Unai Emery.
One of the most influential Instagramers in football history, Paul Pogba, left teammates and staff at Manchester United’s training ground stunned when he showed up dressed in a Real Madrid kit this morning.
The 26-year-old French World Cup winner was recently spotted in Dubai with Madrid boss and compatriot Zinedine Zidane, fuelling speculation he’d like to f**k off to the Spanish capital at the earliest opportunity. However, United gaffer Ole Gunnar Solskjaer reassured fans that the club’s record signing was going nowhere.
‘If you look at the stats from the past few seasons, Paul has been one of the most prolific Tweeters in football’, said the 46-year-old Norwegian. ‘His record of 24 haircuts in 38 league games last year means he’s virtually irreplaceable’, he added.
Brazilian comedian David Luiz left his Arsenal teammates in fits of laughter this morning when he wandered onto the club’s training pitch dressed as his television alter-ego ‘Sideshow Bob’.
As well as being the king of comical defending, Luiz has forged a successful television career by appearing in 20 episodes of the American animated sitcom ‘The Simpsons’. The 32-year-old entertained the players with his trademark slide whistle until his shenanigans were brought to an abrupt end by an irate Unai Emery.
The former Chelsea and PSG star was ordered to train with the under-12s as punishment during which he managed to score a personal best 7 OGs while still sporting Bob’s oversized shoes.
Chelsea striker Olivier Giroud and his z-list celeb doppelgänger Rylan Clark completely pulled the wool over the nation’s eyes earlier. The pair perfectly executed a Halloween prank by switching places for the day.
So, while Giroud was hosting daytime television’s ‘This Morning’, lookalike Rylan took part in a Chelsea training session ahead of this evening’s Carabao Cup fourth round clash with Manchester United. The crafty couple later revealed the hoax via their social media accounts by uploading a snap while disguised as one another.
‘I thought Rylan was talking a little weird but I just assumed he was breaking in a new set of veneers’, admitted a stunned Phillip Schofield. Meanwhile, Chelsea star Mason Mount thought his French teammate had resorted to some desperate tactics to get some game time.
‘When big Olivier turned up for training with a thick Cockney accent, we all assumed it was some desperate ploy to endear himself to Frank Lampard’.
However, perhaps the most cost-effective Halloween costume worn by a Premier League footballer this year, is that belonging to Phil Jones. The man who perfected the art of gurning while attempting to block a shot decided to save a few quid this time round by simply being himself.
The 27-year-old defender, affectionately known by the Old Trafford faithful as Phil ‘Scare the Kids’ Jones, will be joining the rest of the Manchester United squad for their annual Halloween bash sporting one of his trademark gurns.
‘A lot cheaper and a darn sight more frightening’, confirmed United season ticket holder and father-of-three Ian Gallagher.