Last month Scotland lost 2-1 to Russia at Hampden, with a 10th-minute goal from John McGinn the only highlight of an otherwise brutal game to watch for the Tartan Army. With a 4-0 defeat to Belgium following on three days later, there’s little to no optimism across the country as the squad head to Moscow for a crucial Euro 2020 qualifier.
Luckily for Scotland, whilst we might be shite at football, there are many other ways we are much, much better than Russia:
On the surface of it, you might think Russia would win this one hands down, as Vodka is probably better than Irn-Bru… especially the awful new recipe. However, Scotland also has whisky. It’s glorious, can be enjoyed in many ways – although only neat is actually acceptable – and it’s produced in several picturesque distilleries across our fine lands. Also, for a bonus point, we have Buckfast too. We don’t make it, but we still claim it as our own. The Russians stand no chance in a beverage square go.
2. Historical Buildings
Moscow’s Red Square is the home to St Basil’s Cathedral. A big bit of rock in the middle of Edinburgh is home to Edinburgh Castle. Edinburgh Castle is proper historic, great to stick on Instagram and once contained the legendary William Wallace.
St Basil’s Cathedral can only be described as the result of giving Willy Wonka a shitload of acid and asking him to make a gingerbread house. It’s not even close.
3. Traditional clothing
Many a Scottish man has walked 500 miles and then walked 500 more, just to air his gentleman’s sausage as it has the freedom to swing in whichever direction it fancies underneath our iconic kilts. Visually stunning, spacious, breathable and can be worn to a wedding, war or whatever you fancy. The kilt is a winner. Over in Russia, they have Kaftans. Overly expensive, looks too much like a dressing gown and would cost a fortune for dry cleaning when you inevitably spilt some ketchup on it.
The average temperature in Verkhoyansk, Russia each January is -48.9°C degrees Celsius. That is very cold. Oymyakon once recorded a temperature of -67.8°C. That’s even colder. Over in Scotland, men – who are usually fat – have a great reputation for ‘taps aff’ every time the temperature hits double figures. Turns out it’s not because we’re hard as nails, it’s because 10°C is actually tropical weather in comparison to Russia. We are hard as nails though, just in case you were wondering.
5. Other sports
Fair play, we’re pish at football. So, Russia, get your laugh whilst you can because once this pumping is over we’re going to challenge you to a game of, erm, golf.
Our beloved Russell Knox is 87th in the world, whereas Russia’s Vladimir Osipov is all the way down in 2071st. Bit embarrassing, no?
Andy Murray is also wondering if you want a game and, if you fancy popping to the pub for a proper drink and a game of darts, we’ll pump you at that too.
So, there you have it. Russia will likely take the three points on Thursday but Scotland claims everything else. I’ve not even mentioned bagpipes, haggis, the Loch Ness monster or Billy Connolly. Or, the stuff going on in Japan! What a wonderful nation…