UEFA has told England to forget about playing the remainder of their pointless qualifiers and skip straight to a EURO 2020 semi-final penalty shootout instead.
European football’s governing body stepped in following England’s routine victory over a group of Bulgarian pensioners last night.
Gareth Southgate’s side made it three wins from three games in Group A which also includes Kosovo, Montenegro, Legoland and Love Island.
But UEFA have decided to save England the hassle of fulfilling their remaining fixtures which President Aleksander Čeferin described as ‘even more pointless than a porno storyline’.
Instead, England have been ordered to proceed straight to a semi-final penalty shootout with Germany, which they will inevitably lose.
“Allowing England to complete their round of qualifying games is just a waste of everyone’s time”, explained Čeferin.
“Everyone and their granny knows they’ll win all their matches and top that group”.
‘Then they’ll stumble their way through a piss-poor group at the tournament and go out on penalties in the semis’.
So, let’s just cut to the f**king chase lads.
‘Miss your penalties, let the tabloid editors photoshop a vegetable onto Southgate’s head, let the pundits begin their inquisition…’, he ranted.
It’s understood the FA have already accepted UEFA’s invitation to exit the tournament at the semi-final stage after board members described England’s qualifying matches as “even more pointless than the lid on a McFlurry”.
“It’s the same old b*llocks every qualifying campaign”, sighed chairman Greg Clarke.
“We hump the likes of Bulgaria, the Isle of Man and Narnia 6-0, but the minute we come up against any sort of quality opposition in the tournament we fall to pieces.
Let’s just get down to brass tacks and bottle it during a penalty shootout.
“Hopefully it’s Lingard that puts the deciding penalty into the car park. Every tournament needs a scapegoat and that dabbing little tw*t is a prime candidate.”
It’s good news for Scots, Irish and Welsh fans who will no longer need to consider absconding to some of the remotest parts of the globe next summer, for fear of an England triumph.