A 38-year-old man endured yet another sleepless night as he contemplates his Fantasy Football team selection ahead of the weekend’s Premier League curtain-raiser.
Fully awake father-of-two Dave Skinner was smoking a fag out the bathroom at 4.30am this morning while pondering which players to buy with his £100M war chest.
Every year, thousands of people pick a Fantasy Football team they’ll lose interest in after roughly a month. This was certainly the case for Dave last season, after his ‘LSD Eindhoven’ side were left trailing in the office league following a disastrous opening weekend.
In fact, the start to Dave’s campaign was so bad, he even lied to his work colleagues about forgetting his password. But he’s determined this year will be different.
And so, as the kick-off to the new Premier League season looms large, Dave is agonising over every position in his squad.
‘Won’t be making the same silly mistakes as last year’, declared Dave while shaking his sleep-deprived head. ‘Sanchez can get to f**k, for starters.
‘This season’s all about the defence for me. Always build from the back, that’s what they say.’
The winner of last year’s office league, Franky Baddiel, is confident his FredWest Ham side will retain its title.
‘Dave’s no f**king chance’, he chuckled. ‘Before every season, it’s the same old war cry about it being his year. He’s the office equivalent of Liverpool FC’.
However, one man who won’t be participating in this season’s office league was Rick from sales.
‘Might as well stick the £20 on United winning the Premier League. A waste of f**king money, that’s all it is’, claimed Rick. ‘Same old sh*te every year. Spend weeks agonising over which players to choose for the first round of fixtures but by Gameweek 4 you can’t be arsed, so hit Auto Pick…
‘Does my head in too. I support Arsenal but kept praying Aubameyang would get injured last season cos that dick Franky from accounts had him on his team’, he concluded.
Meanwhile, Dave’s girlfriend, Jane, believes her partner’s priorities are ‘up the f**king left’ at present.
‘He can’t be arsed spending 5 minutes planning our 30 grand wedding but give him a £100M transfer kitty and he’ll be up all night staring at his phone’, she raged. ‘It’s the same with that silly manager game he plays on the laptop.
‘He said he’d no leave left when it came to the twins’ Sports Day but managed to take time off when he led Brentford into the play-offs.
‘He probably spends more time on his fantasy football team than does fantasizing about me’, she sobbed.
‘Yes’, confirmed Dave.