Dom Gall: My 82-year-old granny would get a game for St Johnstone

She wouldn’t be out of place either.

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It’s back to the bread and butter for Scottish clubs as the 2019/20 SPFL season kicked off on Friday night. I was going to say back to normality, but as we all know, nothing about Scottish football is normal.

Certainly, the very first game wasn’t normal, with Dundee Utd winning – and winning well at that.

That sort of unacceptable behaviour can’t continue, we all need someone to laugh at so we don’t feel as bad about our own club, don’t we?

So, where am I going to start my weekend round-up? Celtic or Rangers? Hearts or Hibs? Na. I suspect none of them have swapped their pre-match meals for Buckfast, so they’re not worthy of top spot.

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Instead, we travel to the Sunday leagues, where one particular player decided to have an all-night bender at a festival and get ready for the game the following morning with a bottle of tonic wine.

Incredible.

Despite still being, erm, under the influence from the night before, the man still pulled it together to record a 5-2 win. Queen, if you’re reading this, give him an MBE. It’s what he deserves.

Anyway, back to the big boys, and Rangers celebrated moving 2.6% closer to clinching the Premiership title with some exuberance, the usual limbs and our first unnecessary pitch invasion of the season after Conor Goldson’s 90th-minute header secured the vital three points.

The winner leaves them just six goals behind Celtic with ONLY 37 games left to play. Incredibly inspiring stuff from the ‘Gers and I can only assume the trophy cabinet is being reshuffled as I type.

Celtic reminded fans across the globe that it’s a league your nan could get a game in after their 7-0 win over St Johnstone.

I’m not even going to defend that statement, as I’m fairly sure my 82-year-old granny would get a game for St Johnstone at this point. Not convinced her eyes or legs work, to be honest, but I stand by my statement.

Veering slightly away from Scotland here, as I address the blatant plagiarism committed by Wigan Athletic. Having clearly realised Scottish football is where it’s at, Wigan have stolen Forfar’s pastry-based mascot idea and tried to make it their own.

I’m not surprised to see that, when challenged on it, they panicked and tried to claim a friendship.

You’d not see me forgive them that easily Forfar, and I fully expect a meaty mascot square go in the near future. Get them telt.

Having left Scotland to rant about mascots, I’m heading over to Wales to enjoy the patter from The Nomads, who were quick to point out that having beaten Kilmarnock by a goal, they must be better than Rangers.

I mean it’s not the worst logic in the world, but sadly it’s just a case of Killie being useless.

I’d like to see you try and beat Premiership powerhouses such as Hamilto… wait, never mind. You probably would.

Some good news and some bad news from the Lowland League. The good news is, after I recently asked if they were the worst football team ever, Berwick Rangers scored a goal. Congratulations on ending the 1286-minute drought lads.

The bad news is, they proceeded to then concede four in nine minutes and are still winless two games later. With one win in 30 now, I ask that you spare a moment for them in your thoughts.

To conclude, and celebrate the return of the SPFL, my first treble of the new campaign:

Edinburgh v Brechin: Edinburgh City – 10/11
Raith Rovers v Clyde: Raith Rovers – 8/13
Dundee v Ayr: Dundee – 4/5

  • Dom Gall’s treble comes in at 9/2 with Paddy Power.
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* All odds correct at time of posting.

What do you think?