If you’ve been fortunate enough not to see it yet, picture Dele Alli barbequing a supposed script for the upcoming Premier League season and you get the drift.
Yes, BT Sport’s promo for the impending Premier League season is probably their worst decision since they decided to hire monotone Michael Owen as a ‘colour’ commentator.
To be fair to Owen, he’s unintentionally the funniest man in football right now.
With soundbites such as: ‘That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post’ and ‘It’s hit the facial part of his head, there’, I for one, hope they give him a contract for life.
The message that BT Sport are trying to convey, albeit rather embarrassingly, is that you couldn’t write the script for the forthcoming Premier League season.
Or could you?
City will win it
It appears that Pep Guardiloa is pretty shrewd when it comes to career choices. Managing a Barca side containing Xavi, Iniesta, Henry and Messi was fortuitous. Then he took charge of Bayern in a league which makes the SPL seem competitive. And finally, he takes the reins at City where he’s handed a blank cheque book.
Who will he manage next? PSG? Celtic? Michael Phelps?
With Cit-eh averaging around 100pts per season at present, you’d be a fool to think the title will be heading anywhere but the Empty-Had again.
Liverpool fans will say ‘next season’s our season’
I’m still struggling to decide which was funnier, seeing the ‘2013/14 Premier League Champions’ t-shirts on sale outside Anfield or Liverpool fans demanding a trophy for second place last season. Regardless, you can rest assured the Scousers will have already formulated their excuses for this season’s shortcomings before declaring next year is their year.
According to Liverpool, they’ve the best manager in the world, best defender in the world (VVD), best player in the world (Salah) and even the best fans in the world. In that case, it must be very frustrating to know that since they last won the league both Peter Schmeichel and his son have collected winners’ medals.
Only three more Chelsea managers til Christmas
Scientists estimate that by 2025, you’ll be no fewer than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager. That statistic is hardly surprising with trigger-happy Roman Abramovich at the helm. The ‘Chelski’ owner has hired and fired 15 managers in as many years during his tenure at the club and despite Frank Lampard’s legendary status at the club, he can expect no sympathy should results go against him.
Harry Kane won’t score in August
It’s alleged that chisel-chinned Tottenham Hotspur striker Harry Kane couldn’t score in a house of ill repute with a £50 note wrapped round his manhood during the month of August. In the nine seasons Kane has been in and around the first-team squad at Spurs, he’s scored ZERO goals in the Premier League. Bear that in mind when picking your Dream Team lads.
Man United will finish sixth
Every dog has its day and for Manchester United’s faithful hound, that day finished on May 8th 2013 when Sir Alex Ferguson retired. Though the legendary Scot should share his portion of the blame for the club’s demise. Many people will point the finger at Ed Woodward and rightly so. The man couldn’t negotiate a better deal on his car insurance.
But replacing Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez with Gabriel Obertan and Antonio Valencia was when the rot really set in. And despite the efforts of four different managers who’ve spent around half a billion pounds to rectify things at Old Trafford, it would appear the Red Devils have become a top six side, at best.
Daniel Sturridge will be injured
They say only three things in life are certain. Death, taxes and Daniel Sturridge will be unavailable through injury. He’s currently without a club which is unfortunate for Daniel because he’ll be covering his own medical bills without any employer.
Finally, Sean Dyche could take your Da in a fight
I don’t care how hard you think your old man is, Sean Dyche would have him.