If you’re an individual who believes everything they read on the internet, you’ll know that Sheffield United have headed to Scotland – well, Swansea but don’t let that ruin my vibe – with £20m to secure the services of our very own Oli McBurnie.
Now, £20m is a lot of money, let alone for a Scot. The current record stands at £15m for Oliver Burke – which was arguably the single biggest waste of money in the history of humans – and I can’t help but feel Sheffield United could be making a mistake here.
The young gun netted 24 times in the Championship last season, which in theory suggests he might be a good fit for Sheffield, but if you’re spending £20m on something “Scottish”, there are better bargains to be had. You can’t get Kieran Tierney, sorry Arsenal, but here’s what you can get:
64,000,000 cans of Irn Bru
Scotland’s favourite drink, or at least it used to be. You might not be getting a 20+ goal a season striker for this, but you will get enough to keep the rest of the squad – and fan base – suitably refreshed for longer than McBurnie will be around.
3,333,000 cans of REAL Irn Bru
Of course, with £20m burning a hole in your pocket, you’re not going to want the new, shite Irn Bru are you? Before they ruined it and became the most hated figure in Scotland to avoid some sugar tax, BARR produced the Bru we all know and love. With it now trading for upwards of £10 a can in offies and online, it’s probably a profitable investment as well as tasty.
I’m not saying it’s pretty much currency in Scotland now, but…
— Tom Walker (@IamTomWalker) March 2, 2019
2,225,000 bottles of MD2020
I’m on a roll with the drinks theme here, but it wouldn’t be Scotland if we weren’t discussing the away day beverage of choice for the masses on Scotrail’s services every Saturday. If it’s good enough for Kenny McLean to celebrate promotion to the Premiership, it’s good enough for Sheffield United to do the same. Fact. The only question is: Orange, Strawberry or Blue Raspberry?
— Norwich City FC (@NorwichCityFC) May 6, 2019
400 Glen Kamaras
You’re probably thinking that it’s all fine and well we’ve got the tonic wine and subsequent hangover cure covered, but an actual footballer might help. Well, all I can say is: Fifty grand, fifty grand, Glen Kamara….
Rangers arguably produced the bargain of the century with this one, and if Sheffield United had been on their toes, they could have bought 12 squads worth of players for the same as McBurnie. Quantity over quality is key.
Half of Scotland (well, 0.78% to be precise)
A quick google of “I’ve got £20m to spend on something other than a footballer with socks that don’t fit” suggests that 15,000 acres of land in Ross-Shire can be yours for a mere £2m. Times that by ten and you’ve plenty space for a new training ground, or a shooting range, or a donkey sanctuary. It’s your land, you can do what you want with it lads.
An SPFL club of your choice
I’m not saying Scottish Championship side Inverness have just essentially taken over Highland League’s Fort William just to run their reserves team in a men’s league, but that’s exactly what they appear to have done. Sheffield United could do the same and just have a reserve team cutting about in the Scottish Premiership. It’s the ideal place to find the next Oli McBurnie, just without the price tag.
I’m sure Meadowbank Thistle, sorry, Livingston, would be up for another name change. Genius.