EXCLUSIVE: Full details of Woodward/Ferguson bust-up revealed

Man United supremo Ed Woodward has reportedly rejected Sir Alex Ferguson's pick for a new head of recruitment and we have the full explosive transcript

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Sir Alex Ferguson; Ed, I think I’ve found ye a guy fer the recruitment role.

Ed Woodward: Wonderful. Who?

SAF: Steve Walsh.

EW: Hmm… I’m not sure. I can’t stand him on The Chase.

SAF: That’s f**kin’ Bradley Walsh.

EW: Oh I see. Who’s this Steve chap?

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SAF: He wiz the guy who scouted most of Leicester’s title-winning team.

EW: I must admit; I do have a soft spot for Leicester.

SAF: (mumbles) Aye. Yer f**kin’ heed.

EW: I wonder if they’d sell us Muzzy Izzet?

SAF: He packed it in years ago ya numpty!

EW: Steve Guppy?

SAF: Retired.

EW: Emile Heskey?

SAF: Retired.

EW: Robbie Savage??

SAF: Ach fer Christ’s sake, Ed! That Leicester side are all in their 40s noo.

EW: Good point. There wouldn’t be much of a sell-on value would there?

SAF: Aye. Like most of yer f**kin’ signings these days –

EW: So who did this Walsh chap scout?

SAF: Riyad Mahrez, N’Golo Kante, Jamie Vardy –

EW: Vardy? Isn’t that the ghastly alco-pop drinking Chav?

SAF: Aye! But he knows where the goal is! And a hard wee b*stard too. Once he played a full game with a broken arm!

EW: That’s nothing. I hear Joe Hart played for an entire season with an itchy scalp!

Sir Alex facepalms…

SAF: So will a go aheed ‘n tell Steve he’s got the job?

EW: No! I’ve been thinking –

SAF: Noo Ed, we talked aboot this –

EW: I just feel this could be the transfer window I show the football world what a skilled negotiator I am –

SAF: Ach, ya cood nae negotiate a better deal on yer car insurance fer f**k sake!

EW: How bloody dare you. I’ve brokered some of the biggest transfers in the history of British football!

SAF: Di Maria – sh*te. Sanchez – sh*te. Pogba – sh*te.

EW: They were better than f**king Moyes!!!

SAF: Aye, fair dues. I hold ma’ hands up there.

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