Sir Alex Ferguson; Ed, I think I’ve found ye a guy fer the recruitment role.
Ed Woodward: Wonderful. Who?
SAF: Steve Walsh.
EW: Hmm… I’m not sure. I can’t stand him on The Chase.
SAF: That’s f**kin’ Bradley Walsh.
EW: Oh I see. Who’s this Steve chap?
SAF: He wiz the guy who scouted most of Leicester’s title-winning team.
EW: I must admit; I do have a soft spot for Leicester.
SAF: (mumbles) Aye. Yer f**kin’ heed.
EW: I wonder if they’d sell us Muzzy Izzet?
SAF: He packed it in years ago ya numpty!
EW: Steve Guppy?
EW: Emile Heskey?
EW: Robbie Savage??
SAF: Ach fer Christ’s sake, Ed! That Leicester side are all in their 40s noo.
EW: Good point. There wouldn’t be much of a sell-on value would there?
SAF: Aye. Like most of yer f**kin’ signings these days –
EW: So who did this Walsh chap scout?
SAF: Riyad Mahrez, N’Golo Kante, Jamie Vardy –
EW: Vardy? Isn’t that the ghastly alco-pop drinking Chav?
SAF: Aye! But he knows where the goal is! And a hard wee b*stard too. Once he played a full game with a broken arm!
EW: That’s nothing. I hear Joe Hart played for an entire season with an itchy scalp!
Sir Alex facepalms…
SAF: So will a go aheed ‘n tell Steve he’s got the job?
EW: No! I’ve been thinking –
SAF: Noo Ed, we talked aboot this –
EW: I just feel this could be the transfer window I show the football world what a skilled negotiator I am –
SAF: Ach, ya cood nae negotiate a better deal on yer car insurance fer f**k sake!
EW: How bloody dare you. I’ve brokered some of the biggest transfers in the history of British football!
SAF: Di Maria – sh*te. Sanchez – sh*te. Pogba – sh*te.
EW: They were better than f**king Moyes!!!
SAF: Aye, fair dues. I hold ma’ hands up there.