One of Manchester United’s highest paid Instagram influencers, Paul Pogba, has personally forked out to repair all of the fax machines at Old Trafford ahead of his proposed move to Real Madrid.
The midfielder is keen to avoid a repeat of what happened to teammate David De Gea in 2015, when the Spaniard’s dream-move to the Bernabéu collapsed because of a dodgy fax machine. As a result, the 28-year-old has spent the past four years of his life picking Phil Jones and Chris Smalling own goals out his net in rain-soaked Manchester.
Pogba re-joined the Red Devils from Juventus in 2016 for a world-record fee of £89m after Fergie swapped him for 25 tracksuits and a kitbag in back in 2012. But now the 26-year-old French World Cup winner has opened the door to a move to Madrid by saying: “With this season being arguably the least sh*te of my three sh*te years in Manchester, I think for me, it could be a good time to f**k off to Spain for more money.”
After realising a switch to the 13-times European Champions hinged upon the same second-rate equipment used during De Gea’s failed transfer, Pogba took decisive action.
The United No.6 made contact with the Salford-based ‘Manny’s Printer Repairs’ and arranged for an engineer to call-out to Old Trafford at 9am this morning. “I’m taking no f**king chances, man”, grinned Pogba while standing over the repairman with his arms folded.
The engineer, Kevin, a 24-year-old father-of-four from Burnage, made an interesting discovery when he opened up one of the devices. “It’s a fax from Real Madrid. Looks about 4-year-old, it doe”’, said Kevin while clutching a crumpled sheet of paper.
It was at this point that a passing David De Gea snatched the page from the engineer’s grasp. “Son of a bitch”, sobbed the goalkeeper while blowing his nose into the 4-year-old document.
But while United’s goalie wept uncontrollably, another fax from Real Madrid slid out of the freshly repaired machine. This time it was addressed to Pogba, who went ‘Live’ on Facebook to share the news with all his followers.
Meanwhile, new boss Zinedine Zidane believes the signing of Pogba will provide Real Madrid with a huge presence on social media.
“If you look at the stats from the past few seasons, Paul has been one of the most prolific Tweeters in football”, said the 46-year-old. “His record of 24 haircuts in 38 league games last year tells you everything you need to know”, he added.
Meanwhile, Pogba’s teammate Romelu Lukaku tried and failed to hand in a transfer request this morning when he missed Ed Woodward’s desk from two-yards out.