Being a jobless football manager must be a strange place to be. How do you actively look for work?
It’s not as if you can mindlessly scroll through reams of mental management spiel on LinkedIn in an attempt to spot the occasional vacancy.
And unfortunately for them it’s not as simple as pressing an “apply” button when something suitable comes up following your latest sacking, just like on Football Manager – something we have a lot of practice in.
As things stand, when the managerial merry-go-round starts spinning it’s almost always down to reputation and who you know rather than actual abilities. After all, how else do Messrs Giggs and Scholes get hired? It’s not fair. And we believe there is a better way of doing things.
Rather than the surreptitious nature of head coach hirings that’s currently undertaken, why can’t football take a leaf out of politics’ book and have potential new managers make the case publicly to justify their place in the dugout?
There are some very big names out there looking for work at the moment.
We’ve opened up Paddy’s parallel dimension to find out what would happen if they took to the campaign trail…
Whatever office he’s ended up in, Allardyce has always done a solid if unspectacular job. But sadly for the Englishman, his style has never won over supporters long-term. So, keen to reassert his reputation as a man of the people, Big Sam opts to announce his immediate availability for work with a rousing speech in his local Wetherspoon.
Invited journalists are offered pints of wine throughout to keep them refreshed, and it all seems to be going rather well. In particular, Allardyce’s pledge that he can cope with the managerial challenges after Brexit (“That should get rid of all those divers, good riddance!”) go down well.
However, it all comes crumbling down just as it gets going, as a stray microphone picks up Allardyce claiming his mate can forge UK passports for the foreign players he’s interested in.
The pub promptly empties and he’s left to console himself with the beer and burger meal deal.
With his giant ego still nursing the wounds of his last posting at Old Trafford – and with a burning desire to repair his tarnished reputation – Jose somewhat inevitably launches his campaign with a slick video montage of him lifting silverware.
Given his belligerent way of going about things, inability to accept other peoples’ opinions and complete dismissal of what journalists have to say, it’s little surprise Mourinho opts to make his campaign slogan “Make Jose Great Again”.
With his key campaign pledge of “winning big at any cost”, the Portuguese secures the Paris Saint-Germain job and goes on to secure European glory after spending £800m on new players.
Soon after, he’s sacked for being a complete and total b**tard. Some things never change.
To the young generation of today, he may be the Droopy-alike face of jam roly-poly, but there’s a wealth of top-level management experience behind that baggy face of his.
Sure, a track record of destroying club finances and his (dog’s) highly questionable tax affairs pose plenty of questions, but do supporters really care about that given he seemed such a nice chap on I’m A Celebrity?
It doesn’t take long for the #Harry4Manager army to propel Redknapp into a Bournemouth homecoming.
The PR boost to the Cherries is so big – they soon count Aunt Bessie’s as a shirt sponsor – it’s almost worth the financial meltdown after his five-year term is up. T’riffic.
Fully expecting a bumper crowd at his first rally in a campaign that’s been bankrolled by Mike Ashley, Pards books out the entirety of the 5,500 capacity Royal Albert Hall.
He fully embraces his inner Theresa May as he reenacts his Wembley dance onto the stage, but sadly for him, only Steve Coppell has turned up to support him.
Cue football’s favourite silver-haired smooth talker walking straight off stage, a la Moe Szyslak:
With his batteries suitably recharged, the elder statesman of football announces his return to the spotlight from an unconventional setting: a local French garage that specialises in giving young mechanics a chance to prove themselves.
It suddenly all becomes clear when Arsene reveals his campaign slogan, “Time to let the handbrake off!”
His positive demeanour and commitment to investing in youth wins over the suits at Bayern Munich, with Wenger then guiding them to three consecutive fourth-placed Bundesliga finishes. Courtesy of his erudite ways, the Frenchman convinces fans this is a good thing, as it means there’s always room for improvement – something he poetically says everyone should come to appreciate in their own lives. Spoken like a true politician.
The Scotsman has extensively proven in various posts that he has absolutely no idea what he is doing.
With that in mind, in a remarkable twist of fate, Moyes is actually plucked from the footballing world to become Britain’s new prime minister.
You couldn’t make it up, could you?