GK: David De Gea – Man United
It wasn’t long ago people believed De Gea could save a 4GB file on a 128MB USB stick. But, the Spaniard had a shocker at the World Cup from which he’s never recovered. He’ll be praying Liverpool recall Loris Karius next season.
RB: Ashley Young – Man United
It tells you everything when the most memorable moment of an eight-year United career was the time a seagull shat in your mouth from a great height. Probably the worst captain since the Titanic’s Edward J Smith.
CB: Phil Jones – Man United
Alongside ‘Mike’ Smalling, Phil Jones forms part of the worst defence since Len Kachinsky represented Brendan Dassey. When he retires, he’ll surely be rewarded for services to internet memes.
CB: Shkodran Mustafi – Arsenal
It wasn’t an easy challenge to displace Igors Stepanov as the worst Arsenal centre half of all time, but Shkodran Mustafi passed it with flying colours. Those colours being brown.
LB: Gaetan Bong – Brighton
Can’t tackle, gives away the ball and offers nothing going forward. We can only assume that Chris Hughton was smoking a bong when he decided to sign the Cameroonian defender.
MD: Junior Hoilett – Cardiff
Despite claiming to be an attacking midfielder, Hoilett hasn’t registered a single assist this season. He scored his first Premier League goal since 2012 in a 2–1 win over Wolverhampton Wanderers on 30 November. Prolific.
MD: Fred – Man United
He has the name of 72-year-old grandad and he plays like one too. Cost the club £52m and plays second fiddle to youth product Scott McTominay. The dodgiest Brazilian seen at Old Trafford since Dwight Yorke brought Katie Price into the player’s lounge.
MD: Victor Moses – Chelsea
The Nigerian was decent in the Blues 2016/17 title winning campaign, but he’s been crap ever since. Sent out on loan to Fenerbahce alongside another Premier League legend, Loris Karius.
AT – Alexis Sanchez (C) – Man United
Paid half a million a week. Scores one Premier League goal. Grew a shite moustache while injured. I think it’s only fair we make him captain of this crap eleven.
AT – Laurent Depoitre – Huddersfield
The big Belgian failed to score a solitary league goal in 19 games during Huddersfield’s successful quest to return to the Championship. Bravo.
AT – Romelu Lukaku – Man United
United paid £75m for a striker with a worse first touch than a squash court wall. It looks as though the only thing he’s finished this season is his United career.
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Here it is in all its glory, the worst team from this year’s Premier League:
