According to a Rebound source cloistered deep within the bowels of the Vatican City, there is a growing belief among the upper echelons of the Church that Sunderland dynamo Lee Cattermole is, in fact, god.
Recently, Pope Francis asserted his – correct – belief that Barcelona’s Lionel Messi is not god, but is said to be examining with great interest the claim that Cattermole may indeed be the Creator of All Things.
“Listen, it was clear Messi isn’t god,” said the source via Viber. “I mean, he hasn’t even won the World Cup, and now that Kevin-Prince Boateng is at the Nou Camp, you could probably argue Messi isn’t even the best player on his team.
“But after watching the Checkatrade Trophy final and seeing how majestically Cattermole controlled the midfield area, several cardinals started to look into the idea that this beautiful boy could be, you know, god. Or at the very least His representation on Earth.”
It is believed that having communicated their theory to the Pontifex, Francis was convinced of its accuracy after going back and watching Sunderland’s 2-1 win over Walsall in mid-March.
“Yeah, Fran really bought into it,” reveals the source. “He spent hours talking about Cattermole’s 33rd-minute equaliser that day, and kept going around saying, ‘Such poise, such grace, such humility in front of goal.’ In broader terms he compared Cattermole’s determination to win back possession to that time when Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ was forced to carry the cross along Via Dolorosa.
“There’s also a school of thought that Cattermole missed that penalty in the Checkatrade final in order to send a message: one of self-sacrifice and putting others – in this case Portsmouth – first.”
Regrettably, we didn’t have a Lee Cattermole GIF prepared on Saturday (because he never scores usually) but, better late than never… pic.twitter.com/iIDH4dznLQ
— Roker Report (@RokerReport) August 27, 2018
Francis and a selective group of key advisers are now said to be close to forming a breakaway Cattermolian sect within the walls of the Vatican. But despite the controversial nature of the new theory, it’s expected that most high-ranking clergy will weigh in behind him, so convinced are they of Cattermole’s godliness.
The man himself, however, remains typically modest. “I’ve never even heard of Vatican City,” Cattermole responded when quizzed by Rebound reporters this morning. “Are they in League 2?”
The Rebound is Paddy Power’s weekly breaking news story that may not actually have happened or be real in any way.