Over 100 Premier League goals. A hat-trick for England. Reviving the robot dance for an entire generation. An FA Cup winner with Liverpool. Somehow being married to Abbey Clancy.
Peter Crouch has achieved a lot in his career to date, but he’s by no means finished. The beanpole striker has conquered the world of podcasts recently, with the second series of his tell-all show dominating the charts.
It’s hardly surprising that a man who, when asked what he’d be if he wasn’t a footballer replied “a virgin”, is engaging enough to keep the fans coming back for more every week.
But what other football folk would have the ability to give listeners some unadulterated aural pleasure on a regular basis? We’d definitely hit the subscribe button on this lot…
1. Craig Bellamy: Real Football
The fiery Welshman has never been one to hold back when asked for his opinions. Take this scathing attack on his own Cardiff supporters after their abuse of the team back in 2014, for example:
And remind yourself of this 2010 post-match interview for example, which followed the stormy clash between Chelsea and Manchester City best remembered for the John Terry/Wayne Bridge non-handshake:
“I know what JT’s like, nothing surprises me about him,” said Bellamy. “So I’m not gonna comment on that guy.”
Maybe not on Sky Sports, Craig, but your own unfiltered podcast? Yes please.
2. Harry Redknapp teaches you how to love
You can’t move for seeing ‘Arry on the box these days, so it would make sense for him to make the move into audio broadcasting next. And there would be no finer subject for him to tackle than the very thing which made him so popular across the nation: love.
Across the series, Redknapp could tell us the secrets behind a happy, loving, long-lasting, successful relationship – and everything else that made his years with Niko Kranjčar such a joy.
3. Learn to speak Spanish with David Moyes
If Barton is getting his own language podcast, then we can’t leave Moyesy out.
Almost two years after Barton debuted his merde French, the man behind all the very best “I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing” memes gave us a taste of his own continental linguistic skills:
The Scotsman revealed the Real Sociedad youth team had trained with him “dos, tres, cuatro times” in expert fashion. Given most tourists to Spain only really need to communicate how many San Miguels they wish to order, Moyes’ guide to Spanish number translations would go down a treat.
4. Patrice Evra’s Positivity Podcast
Many people shove podcasts down their ear holes when on the commute to work. That time of day is never normally nice, unless you happen to have a ludicrously well paid job for doing nothing at all of note – just like Alexis Sanchez, for example.
So to put a smile on your face and get those positive endorphins flowing, imagine if you were able to subscribe to a daily podcast from football’s king of laughter, Patrice Evra?
You’d have a bounce in your step as you get into the office, with a new-found fondness for randomly bursting into song at your desk. What’s not to love about that? Other than the inevitable sacking you’d get for being an annoying knobhead after a few weeks, of course.
5. The Real James Milner
James Milner’s reputation as a dull individual has long followed him around, courtesy of some brilliant spoofing on social media. Indeed, it’s so well-known that even Milner himself has got in on the action since joining Twitter:
— James Milner (@JamesMilner) March 22, 2018
— James Milner (@JamesMilner) June 24, 2018
To combat this potentially unfair reputation the versatile Englishman has acquired, he could easily launch his own podcast which lifts the lid on who the real James Milner is.
Does he actually drink decaf tea? How big does he actually let his ironing basket get before taking it on? Is necking a Ribena his idea of a wild night in? We’d finally get to know for sure what he’s really like.
And if he does actually turn out to be mind-numbingly mundane, at least his dreary tone of voice is guaranteed to send you to sleep when you listen in bed.