Much has been said in the aftermath of John Delaney’s demotion-promotion-transition from the role of FAI Chief Executive into a specially created Executive Vice-President position. But whatever you feel about Delaney you have to admit this bespoke elevation is just reward for years of selfless hard work under trying circumstances.
Few men or women have sacrificed as much as Delaney in the cause of Irish football. His ascetic, almost monastic lifestyle has been highlighted as one reason for his vast success as CEO, with several FAI blazers recently pointing out his willingness to travel the length and breadth of the country in service of his association. If you Google the phrase “magnanimous, humble, chilled-out entertainer-administrator”, you’re likely to just find a series of photos of Delaney smiling warmly.
So, here at Paddy Power, we celebrate the great man’s latest achievement, a spectacular coup de grace delivered to the gurgling semi-corpse that is the FAI. We look forward to years of further glory under the association’s newest Executive Vice-President.
But what exactly does an “EVP” do? Here’s our guide on how to maximise your #Winning as an Executive Vice-President.
Ensure your organisation foots the bill for your palatial bachelor pad
Every good EVP needs one, so at the earliest possible opportunity you should strive to make sure a deluxe bachelor pad is rented on your behalf by the company to which you are providing your valuable services.
Don’t even consider paying for this yourself. That’s the kind of behaviour you’d expect from a Junior Vice-President or even an Assistant to the Regional Manager, not a high-flying EVP with soirées to throw and considerably younger and more attractive partners to entertain.
It’s important to remember that, actually, there is nothing wrong with this. It’s all totally above-board and just a perk of the job.
Remember that you’re the real king, not the CEO
Everyone knows that EVPs are the power behind the throne, a bit like Tywin Lannister during King Joffrey’s ill-fated and incestuous reign over Westeros. A true genius is aware that you can only REALLY wield influence if you’re technically one or two rungs down the official ladder.
While CEOs, Presidents and their ilk are swanning around shaking hands and schmoozing, EVPs are striding the corridors of power with a confident strut that would melt the resistance of even the sturdiest negotiators. A typical EVP loves a machination or two to while away a lunchtime meeting, so you should be no different.
Surround yourself with a band of flunkeys so loyal they can’t imagine their lives without you
If you’re to succeed in this job, you’ll need to cocoon yourself within a cosy blanket comprised of dimwits who’ll carry out your bidding with the promise of nothing more than a jumbo breakfast roll as a reward for their unswerving fidelity to your cause.
You’ll be very surprised at how easy to come by these people are, particularly within sporting or business organisations. Make sure to flatter them with a few compliments such as, “You’re really growing into that unibrow” or “Wow, your village looks gorgeous now most of the slurry’s been cleared away.” Doing so will ensure their lasting loyalty, particularly if you constantly adhere to their requests for more funding for their areas of interest.