If you go anywhere in the Spanish quarter of Naples this weekend then you’re likely to see the local swag seller stocked full of toilet rolls ahead of Napoli’s big Sunday night showdown with Juventus. Since the acrimonious departure of Gonzalo Higuain from Napoli to Juventus a couple of seasons ago, Neapolitans have prided themselves on producing loo paper with the Argentine international’s boat adorned all over it.
Higuain is soooo last season however, and the latest must-have face to peer out onto you from the comfort of your own bathroom is Cristiano Ronaldo, who has taken over the accolade of the most hated man in Naples since his mega-money move to the Bianconeri last summer.
This trend has yet to find its way onto these shores, but if it did, we’ve compiled a list of likely lads whose mush we think, would be perfect for the….er….roll!
LONDON, ENGLAND – NOVEMBER 14: Gary Lineker speaks during a pro-remain a rally rejecting the the Prime Minister’s Brexit deal on November 14, 2018 in London, England. Anti-Brexit groups ‘Best for Britain’ and ‘The People’s Vote Campaign’ are holding a joint rally tonight to call on MPs to say they are not buying the Prime Minister’s Brexit deal. (Photo by Jack Taylor/Getty Images)
GARY LINEKER
Saint Gary was never booked in his entire career but what he did do was take a dump on the field of play. It’s nearly 30 years ago since the Stadio Sant’ Elia in Cagliari witnessed the England striker caught short after a dodgy Spag Bol in England’s opening match of the tournament against the Republic of Ireland, but Gary, ever the professional, concealed it so well that nobody watching from the stands or on TV knew anything about it until the former Leicester City, Everton, Barcelona and Spurs ace came clean years later. So when Lineker has done filling his face with crisps, may we suggest that he gets in touch with Andrex (other toilet roll manufacturers are available) to talk about this exciting opportunity which would also go down well in his brother’s pub in Ibiza.
18 May 1999: Chris Kamara visits Manchester United training at the Cliff Training Ground in Manchester, England. Mandatory Credit: Ross Kinnaird /Allsport
CHRIS KAMARA
With all that pizza the former no-nonsense midfielder turned Sky Sports pundit Kamara encourages to get down us before going to watch sport down your local boozer, there is a good chance that you will need to stop off for a number two at some stage during the evening. Surely brewers have missed a trick here because how good would it be to go into the cubicle and see the Lionel Ritchie look-a-like’s face staring up at you from the paper dispenser? Of course, when you get to the end, the tube inside could also have the words “Unbelievable Jeff” written on it.
LONDON, ENGLAND – DECEMBER 15: Football pundit Robbie Savage attended day one of the 2012 Ladbrokes.com World Darts Championship at Alexandra Palace on December 15, 2011 in London, England. (Photo by Bryn Lennon/Getty Images)
ROBBIE SAVAGE
Just like Kamara, the former Welsh international is now a staple of the weekend’s football coverage in the UK. Savage has divided the country however with his ability in front of the cameras and behind the microphone, a good majority believing that he spends most of his time talking out of his backside. Surely here is an opportunity for the producers of velvet toilet tissue to cash-in so people can buy their very own Savage endorsed loo-roll. From the outside looking in it appears that the man himself is prepared to go the extra mile to enhance his image rights so surely it would be a match made in heaven.
MAURIZIO SARRI
You’re gonna have to be quick by the look of things, but what better way to remember the (soon to be departed) Chelsea boss, than by producing a limited edition toilet roll to commemorate the chain-smoking Italian when he’s gone. Having been born in Naples and in charge of his local side when Higuain departed, Sarri has first-hand experience of just how popular loo-rolls with player’s faces on can be and it could be his way of thanking the club for his time at Stamford Bridge which, just like a used piece of toilet paper, can be easily flushed down the loo and be forgotten about forever.
BRENDAN RODGERS
Events this week has made Brendan Rodgers one of the most despised men in Glasgow, well, half of Glasgow anyway. The majority of Celtic fans have jammed football phone-ins all over the country following his shock departure to Leicester City and we reckon now would be the perfect time to launch a brand of toilet paper in honour of him leaving, which would surely fly off of the shelves and from the stands at Parkhead for the next few months. Even fans who claim they don’t give a s**t, would be constantly reminded of the man who, according to many, “traded immortality for mediocrity” whilst they were having one.
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