*Dear Dychey is Paddy Power’s Agony Aunt column. Any apparent resemblance to any figures around football is purely coincidental.
Owright me old china? I could be in a right bit of Barney Rubble if that diamond geezer Rafa Benitez walks out on me and all my Toon Army pals. But enough of the cockney patter – that sells well on a market stall, but I’m actually from Slough.
There’s talk that the Foxes are sniffing around my gaffer, and believe me I know the value for money I’m getting out of this lad! He won’t even take a tea-break if I tell him to he’s so focused on the team.
Not that I’d ever tell him to take one! Are you barmy? Time is money, just ask the staff in my stores.
But I’m worried Leicester could stump up a few extra quid and turn his head. What can I do to make it worth his while to stick around?
We’ve just had a new line of walking boots come in, though I’m worried he might think I’m saying he should take a hike. What about shiny new tracksuit? Now, his waist-bands almost as wide as mine, so that could be taken the wrong way too. The only other thing I can think of is a six-pack of socks, a tube of tennis balls and a giant mug – not that he’d ever use it.
I’ve wracked my loaf and haven’t got a Scooby what to do! Please help.
Dr Dychey says: This is the competitive marketplace MA. If you want to keep something as valuable as your manager sounds, you’ve got to expect to pay for it, sooner or later.
And there’s no harm in letting your staff know they’re appreciated from time to time. Only last week we brought the lads on a walking tour of the Peak District when they hit a bit of form – they bloody loved it! Though Joe Hart didn’t catch the bus back. Some things never change.
You can throw all the cheap tat at these lads that you like, but it’s the bottom line that counts.
And what the manager will really appreciate is decent new players, not a cut-price pitching wedge or discount jockstrap.
If you want to make Rafa stick around, speculate to accumulate on players. He won’t be able to “Adam-and-Eve” it – that’s what everyone from south of Watford says I’m told – when he sees some quality signings coming through the door. Promise him a transfer budget in the summer and he’ll forget about Leicester.
One of my players has completely lost it. He’s usually trouble – he told France manager that he didn’t want to be on stand-by for the World Cup last summer, he’s been on strike for us cos he’s not got his way – now he’s sacked HIS OWN MUM (who was also his agent) after he didn’t get to move to Barcelona!
How do I put some manners on this troublemaker?
Dr Dychey says: Ah, the impetuosity of youth! It reminds me of the first time I got caught smoking by my mum. We had a massive fight and I told her I was sick of her trying to control my life.
That was my sixth birthday ruined.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with confidence in young players. It’s good that this lad has the character to tell his mum that he’s had enough of her working for him – little birds have to fly the nest eventually, and maybe this was the right time for him to move.
But if he is acting up a lot you can give a few tried and tested methods a go. Cut his pocket money, ground him for a week, take away the PS4, that sort of thing.
If none of those work, chuck out all his Nike clobber. Not having the perks of the job will teach him a lesson, and I’ve a source for a few cheap tracksuits if you need replacements…