It’s fair to say there’s been a blockage in the goal flow for Alexis Sanchez since his move from Arsenal to Man United. Just two goals in 19 games this season, a string of injuries and doubts about whether he’ll ever make the grade at Old Trafford has plenty firing rotten tomatoes as his talents wither on the vine.
Even the Solskjaer surge hasn’t worked for him – getting Fellaini to China must’ve used up all the juice.
But the manager has suggested that once Sanchez gets the one, more will flow, like a bottle of ketchup.
So, to make like a bottle of the 57 varieties, what can United do to get Sanchez’s sauce on the plate?
1 – Give him a shake
Sometimes it pays to give the bottle a shake and you’ll get things moving. Given the woeful form Sanchez has shown since he moved he moved last year, you’d want an industrial paint mixing machine to stir him into action, or just hitch him to the back of jackhammer and let it fly.
2 – Turn him upside-down
It may sound like a cruel and unusual punishment, but United must be close to trying anything at this point. Hanging Sanchez by his heels from the Sir Alex Ferguson stand for a prolonged period could unlock his scoring touch – or trigger a life-scarring vertigo episode, in which case the insurance may payout on his busted transfer.
That’d be a win-win scenario for everyone involved.
3 – A gentle tap on the bottom
An alternative to the arm around the shoulder and clip round the ear, but a tried and trusted method. Just unscrew the top, tap it and let gravity kick in.
Sometimes more force is required though. You’re also trying to make sure you don’t get too much and it ends up all over the place – smack him too harshly and he could be banging in goals inadvertently, own-goals, running on the pitch during games he’s not involved in, interrupting kids games to nick one, that sort of thing. He might never be able to leave the house for fear of scoring too many goals?!
Also, applying this method to a human being and not a glass bottle is rife with HR issues.
Use with caution.
4 – Poke with a knife
Sometimes it just won’t run and you’ve got to tool up. A knife is a desperate resort and can get very messy as you spread the spoils, but it will get the job done. Maybe the shine of a silver sliver will prod the desperate Sanchez to get back in goal-scoring form?
Or maybe he’ll call the cops.
That “baby-faced assassin” thing could be taken the wrong way with this one, but sometimes you have to take a risk Ole.
5 – Recycle
If none of these work, it’s been over a year, the sell-by date’s long past, time to chuck the bottle and maybe go for a jar of mayonnaise instead.