Ever since the birth of football, sh*thousing has been a thing. Faced with skilful players who will insist on dribbling, passing and shooting, someone has to be the spoilsport who stops them even if it means almost certainly going to hell.
Just as flair players have honed their art, so have sh*thouses. Who can forget a swarm of Bulgarian defenders hacking at Pele’s shins in 1966 or when Harald Schumacher basically killed Patrick Battiston and got away with it? These virtuoso performances of their time would these days seem like careless acts of violence compared to the majestic villainy of Sergio Ramos.
Ramos celebrated his 600th game for Real Madrid in fitting fashion, picking up an intentional booking against Ajax in the 89th minute to give him a clean slate ahead of the latter stages of the competition.
You’d expect nothing more from the man, but that act of petty gamesmanship pales in comparison to some of his vintage moments over the years.
Sergio Ramos v Mo Salah, Liverpool and the nation of Egypt
This act of brutal sh*thousery was just completely inevitable.
Liverpool enter the Champions League final against Real as underdogs, their only hope is that in-form Salah can inspire them to glory….
22 minutes in and Ramos performs a move on Salah so atrocious that the European Judo Union condemned it as dangerous.
Even ISIS didn’t want to claim responsibility and said it was ‘a bit much’.
As a tearful Salah left the pitch, his dream in tatters, Ramos had a good old laugh with the assistant ref and wasn’t even penalised, proving, definitively, that there’s no justice in the world.
An Egyptian lawyer Bassem Wahba threatened to sue Ramos for €1 billion for ruining the nation’s chances at the World Cup and a petition to get Ramos banned reached over 500,000 signatures, but it’ll take more than the wrath of an entire nation to bother Ramos. In fact, he probably started planning his trip to Sharm El Sheikh.
To top it all off, when Ramos was confronted with Salah at the Champions League group draw months later he responded by tapping him on the shoulder and presumably telling Salah what happens at the end of The Sopranos while the Liverpool man was still working his way methodically through Season 5.
Sergio Ramos v Juan Cuadrado
The Champions League final brings out the best from great players and Ramos is no exception. Again using the biggest stage to flaunt his disregard for decency, Ramos managed something quite special in the 2017 Champions League final.
When Juventus sent on Juan Cuadrado at 3-1 down it’s fair to say they were clutching at straws, but nobody could’ve foreseen the masterclass Ramos would serve to the poor Colombian.
With Cuadrado on a yellow, Ramos toppled him with a trademark slide tackle and then as the winger went to get the ball to take the throw-in Ramos fell to the floor in apparent agony claiming to have been kicked.
Cuadrado slunk away to become a player you can’t quite remember the first name of in a few years’ time while Ramos bravely lifted the trophy despite his hideous injuries.
Celebrating own goal v Russia in WC
Like taking someone else’s taxi or dating a mate’s ex, celebrating an own goal just isn’t done, unless you’re Sergio Ramos.
When Spain took the lead against Russia in the 2018 World Cup, Ramos wheeled away to revel in his genius yet even a cursory glance at a replay showed that Sergei Ignashevich had the decisive touch.
Maybe Ramos was trying to dupe the watching world and forgot replays existed, maybe he was just so delighted to see the ball in the net that he couldn’t help himself, or most likely he’s just such a fan of other people’s misery that he was celebrating Ignashevich’s crushing disappointment the way that we imagine he’d celebrate seeing a cat being run over.
Elbow Plzen’s Milan Havel in the face
What this piece of sh*thousery lacks in elegance it makes up for in sheer gratuitousness.
When Real Madrid are facing the might of Viktoria Plzen, you’d think Ramos might dial it down, but instead, he decided to elbow Milan Havel in the nose after just 13 minutes.
Havel had to come off, blood still streaming from his face, while Ramos amazingly avoided a booking and saw his team win 5-0.
A true fairytale.
Ramos later apologised, but probably with a smug smile on his face and by sending a box of Celebrations with just the Bounty ones left in it.
Sergio Ramos v Barcelona
You can take your pick of Ramos’s five reds in El Clasico, they are all masterpieces from a man so vile that he can even get Lionel Messi riled up.
The pick of the bunch, however, must be November 2010 when at 5-0 down with a minute left Ramos managed to save face by flattening Messi and sparking a full-on brawl.
The hatred of Ramos from Barca fans is so intense that even Gerard Pique has asked fans to tone down their anti-Ramos chants, not through any act of kindness but because we all know the sh*thouse extraordinaire loves it!