With Sam Allardyce’s recent media blitz taking jamming the airwaves, reports are reaching us that the former Bolton and England manager has been subject to a bio-mechanical upgrade to maintain an exhausting schedule.
Big Sam is set to become even bigger – as a punditry presence – having decided to undergo radical transformative surgery to boost his working capacity.
Speaking exclusively to Paddy Power News, the manager revealed how he came to the decision. “I was flying around between the US, Qatar, and back to the UK for different jobs and my wife said that I was becoming even crankier than usual with the constant travelling and jetlag.”
“I’ve never been afraid of using new technology as a manager – I don’t know if you’ve heard, but at Bolton we were tracking stats long before some of these Fancy Dan foreign managers.
“When I read about the opportunity to replace 65% of my anatomy with stainless steel, I jumped at the chance! That didn’t half hurt my back, making the decision even easier.”
Allardyce, 64, has been out of management since leaving Everton last summer after just six months in charge, but has taken to broadcasting with regular appearances on BeIN Sports, Sky, Talksport and he even manned the SSN Transfer Deadline Day coverage – once they laid on the free pizza.
— Marking The Spot (@Marking_TheSpot) January 31, 2019
Now that he’s replaced many of his depleted limbs and organs with more efficient mechanical replacements, the serial-survivor of relegation scraps hopes to climb the table in the pundit game.
“I feel like I could do twice as much now. Match of the Day, the football league highlights on Quest – whatever that is – I’d even turn my hand to the ski-jumping on Eurosport if they’d have me.
“In fact, I might take up ski-jumping now. What’s the point of pneumatic-powered knee and ankle joints if you don’t leap off a mountain face or two?”
However, reports claiming the procedure had affected what Allardyce has to say are wide of the mark.
Dr Linval Kirkwood, a medical practitioner familiar with the technology involved, said that the procedure would have minimal impingement on a patient’s intellectual faculties.
“Anyone who thinks this procedure’s affected what Mr Allardyce says is wide of the mark – he really does just say the same things over and over again.
“Everton, West Ham, England, foreign managers – if his brain had been replaced by some form of artificial intelligence it might have changed the record!”
It remains to be seen whether RoboSam can capitalise on his reinvigorated frame in the TV game, but one thing will stay the same – Allardyce’s sense of grievance about everything that’s ever not gone his way.