*Dear Dychey is Paddy Power’s Agony Aunt column is not written by anyone who could could even pass for a current Premier League manager. Any apparent resemblance to one is purely coincidental.
Dr Dychey (Definitely Not Sean Dyche), clear your throat, take a deep breath, look us straight in the eye and give us the God’s honest truth. We’re sure sport’s high-and-mighty can take it…
I’ve been assailed on social media because I enjoy the finer things in life – is it my fault my palate is more refined than Jean-Jacques or Jacqueline Bloggs?
— Franck Ribéry (@FranckRibery) January 3, 2019
This Salt Bae guy is a real genius when it comes to flavours.
I let fly at the plebs for their lack of sophistication and now I’ve been fined as well!
Why do my club pay me all this money if I can’t spend it on a golden steak? The gold really brings out the flavour!
Anyway, what can I do to placate those who aren’t as discerning as myself? Is there a better way to spend my money?
Dychey: I have to say I was taken aback by this golden steak thing – more of a tomato sauce man myself when it comes to a piece of sirloin, and black as Huddersfield’s survival prospects.
Some might say it lacks taste and class to have a meal literally coated in gold, but when a Football Manager regen of Steven Seagal is serving it to you, I don’t know if you have a choice – you’ve seen Under Siege I take it? That man can wield a butcher knife.
And of course you had FIFA’s big daddy Gianni Infantino dining alongside you, only he was smart enough to not get filmed ingesting the remains of anonymous labourers from the Qatari World Cup stadium sites through his feeding sluice.
He’s a clever human-like agglomeration of extraterrestrial matter is our Gianni.
So I can understand why you’re feeling a bit hard done by, but you have to accept the outrage from the twits.
It’s like I was saying to Joe Hart recently after dropping him, all those tweets, all the pundits going on, all the chatter, they’re just opinions.
Now of course, for Joe, my opinion means he’s out of the team and wasting another year of his career, but it is just my opinion that he’s not very good.
And he has to forget that when he’s playing with the under-23s. I mean, he can’t let that burden his mind as well – he finds it hard enough to concentrate on saving shots as it is.
As for what you can do with your money instead, I’ve a few ideas.
You could cultivate a modern and contemporary art collection. Some of this, err, stuff looks like it would be right up your alley.
And if you don’t like it, you can always get a solid gold toilet to flush it down.
Or, if this incident’s been too scarring for you, I’d suggest investing in preparation for the imminent ecological apocalypse – who cares what Joe Soap thinks when his fourth story flat is submerged and your sealed in an impregnable upland fortress stocked with steaks sealed in 14 carat fridge freezers to last you til your 94?
But if you really want to show people that there’s more to you than some senseless video of you squandering money in a way that people find repulsive, you can also show that life is about more than money and material things.
What better way to do that than by pulling on your boots and showing everyone your talent on the pitch.
Til the end of the season.
What d’you say Franck? We could do with the help.