We need to talk about Tottenham’s stadium situation.
Before you jump to conclusions, this isn’t just us taking the opportunity to point and laugh at the debacle that is their new ground’s construction. Well, not much, anyway. We actually want to discuss the sea of red anyone with functional eyes can see at all of their ‘home’ games.
As we are so often reminded Spurs are a gigantic club these days, so not even getting enough fans to fill what will soon be their new 61,000 capacity home is a major concern. Clearly something is fundamentally wrong and it needs fixing.
So being the thoughtful, kind-hearted people that we are, we’ve put our heads together and come up with six possible solutions to help Tottenham fill whatever stadium they’re playing at.
1) Adding more sporting events to matchday
Spurs have made enough songs and dances about their new NFL-friendly ground, they could fill a double disc ‘Now That’s What I Call An Under Construction Stadium’ album with ease. So a perfect solution to encourage supporters to buy tickets would be to diversify match-day offerings, giving true value for money.
For example, gridiron action could immediately follow the full-time whistle of Spurs games courtesy of a quick-pitch-switch. Wembley is also well versed in welcoming the pigskin, so Spurs could start offering this bonus right away.
A more cost-effective option could see the club wheel out a mobile swimming pool at half-time and host legs of the World Diving Championships. As an added bonus, Dele Alli and Harry Kane will already be there, so it’ll be easy for them to take part also.
2) Spending some f*cking money
Nothing rejuvenates a fanbase quite like the excitement of seeing a sparkling, mega money new signing take to the pitch in their club’s colours. Just imagine if Spurs had splashed out on one of Messi, Neymar, Mbappe or Inanimate Carbon Rod in the summer – supporters would be flocking to Wembley.
Instead, Spurs spent the grand total of £0 on their transfer business, assuming you don’t include their scouts’ food and drink expenses. Hardly a way to spike fans’ attentions, eh?
3) Giving tickets away on the back of cereal boxes
If Spurs absolutely can’t sell the tickets, they may as well give them away – ultimately it’s better to have seats filled to help generate an atmosphere. So why don’t they join the legions of theme parks and tourist attractions who gift entry away on cereal boxes?
Of course, this method still relies on people actually bothering to turn up but given the sheer number of people who buy Coco Pops they should be OK. As a word of warning, there are laws about advertising things which can be bad for your health, so Spurs will have to double check that sitting through 90 minutes of them labouring against the likes of Cardiff don’t fall foul of the law.
4) Reduce the number of seats
— Dean Lewis (@SuperDeano84) September 14, 2017
Arguably the most rudimentary solution, Spurs can simply take out all the seats they don’t need. While this option will initially hit their financial forecasts, lost revenue can be offset by replacing unneeded blocks with premium cheese lounges. After all, having just the one planned for the new stadium surely won’t be enough.
A sold-out stadium and plenty of opportunities for fans to get their hands on baked camembert to enjoy the game with. Don’t you just love modern football?
5) Conning fans about what they can see at the stadium
Spurs advertising their new stadium as “the only place to watch Champions League in London” and then going out before they actually open their stadium is the most spurs thing of all the time. #PSVTOT
— Gerard Keown (@Gerardyk05) October 24, 2018
Only Spurs could completely Spurs up a billboard advertising Spurs like they did in the summer. Selling premium season tickets for their new stadium on the basis it was ‘the only place to watch the Champions League in London’ as they did, turned out to be disingenuous at best.
Had you actually headed to the building site on a European night, you would’ve instead seen electricians sleeping on the job and a foreman watching the actual Champions League on a portable TV.
But why stop there? In an effort to keep ticket money coming in, they might as well advertise for any other event that takes their fancy: the world’s first stadium F1 race; the opening Ashes Test; the Rugby World Cup final…
Sure, fans will be disappointed, but Spurs must be used to letting them down by now.
6) Winning trophies
It’s a simple footballing equation that having a successful team will drive up attendances. So Spurs actually winning something worthwhile, such as the FA Cup or a first top-flight title since 1961, should see them pack stands out every single week.
Actually, thinking about it, scrap this suggestion. It’s so unlikely it’s not even worth bothering about.
Anyone got the phone number for Coco Pops?