*Dear Dychey is Paddy Power’s Agony Aunt column is not written by anyone who could could even pass for a current Premier League manager. Any apparent resemblance to one is purely coincidental.
Dr Dychey (Definitely Not Sean Dyche), give us your golden globules of gritty guidance….
I’ve had to make a big call to get rid of our manager because he wasn’t the mudguard I’d hoped for.
Of course, when you’re the best sports adminstrator €360,000 per annum can buy, it comes with the territory that you’ve to do this nasty work now and again.
It was the right time though.
I mean, I’ve done everything I can to help – there’s only so many Northern Irish young lads we can take.
Still, for nearly two decades now I’ve been the the Big Cheese, the Main Man, the Head Honcho in this football backwater. I’m meant for a bigger stage – UEFA, FIFA, the IOC, that’s where I can really shine and schmooze – so I need to nail the next appointment to keep the heat off me for the foreseeable and stay on track for a top job.
How do you find the right dupe to take the flak for problems that are your responsibility?
Dr Dychey: Let me say, first of all, I’m very happy in my current position despite some ups and downs recently.
However, my track record of competing with players of a limited standard speaks for itself – chuffin’ hell, half my squad is Irish, so you know what I can get out of “the lads”!
As Eddie Howe’s got the England job stitched up whenever Sir Gareth goes, I would be only too happy to consider an approach, provided the remunerative package makes it worth my while to get them hoofin’ it to a non-existent big man for two-to-three years.
That’s what Martin’s had them doing, isn’t it?
But assuming you’re not looking for me to take over, my advice would be to get the shiniest bauble money can buy.
Maybe you can even contribute a few shekels yourself?
It’ll be a worthwhile investment whenever things go bad, and they will. The bigger the name you get, the better the excuse you have.
“Hey, look I went out, I got the best I could, what more do you want?”
Unlike the Irish defence recently, this one is ironclad.
Of course, you could try investing the money you’ll spend on some past it time-server into football in Ireland instead, so that players in five, ten, fifteen years time will be better, and come into a team that has a clearly defined structure and strategy that doesn’t change with the fluctations of which Championship-level manager is currently looking for a job.
But that’s a whole lot more hassle, and actually involves knowing something about football to make big decisions.
Of course, if you do require a long-term strategic review of Irish football and it’s direction, I would happily offer my consultancy services, at a reasonable rate, to you to oversee the root-and-branch reform of…