A Rebound source close to both John Dorsey, Cleveland Browns General Manager, and Daniel Levy, current Tottenham chairman, has claimed that the two men are in ‘advanced negotiations’ regarding a fee to bring Mauricio Pochettino to the NFL.
The move comes in the aftermath of a late-night conversation on Monday between Levy and Pochettino, in which the latter is reported to have remarked that he ‘really liked how narrow the pitch looked, even though it’s not actually narrow’ during Spurs’ clash with Manchester City at Wembley.
‘You know, Daniel,’ the Argentine is believed to have said, ‘those big white lines [left by Sunday’s NFL game at the ground] running through the middle of the pitch really gave the illusion that we were playing down Hackney Marshes on a Sunday, rather than in a multi-million-pound national stadium…
‘I like this. I can work with this. My teams have suffered on the big occasion in big arenas and when they’ve had to defend an area bigger than a folded postage stamp. If I’m working with this type of pitch-dimension, no-one will ever score against us, which as you know is literally all I care about.’
Shortly after the discussion, Levy contacted Dorsey, who leaped at the chance to potentially bring a globally renowned coach to Cleveland.
‘If I’m honest with you, man,’ Dorsey is reported to have told our source via Bebo, ‘I haven’t really got the faintest idea what I’m doing here. I totally forgot that when I fired Hue Jackson I would have to hire someone to replace him, and this guy Gregg Williams is a bit of a f*cking psychopath whom I wouldn’t mind getting rid of, ASAP.
‘I’ve heard great things about this Pantochino guy. He’s been doing a straight-up job at the Tollington Hotshots, who are one of the hottest expansion teams in NFL Europe right now.’
On Tuesday morning, Pochettino briefed a select few trusted media sources, of which The Rebound is one.
‘Look, lads,’ he may or may not have claimed during the off-the-record chat, ‘I know NFL isn’t the Premier League, but Wayne Rooney’s doing really well there at the moment and Zlatan is banging them in as well. FFS, even Bradley Wright-Phillips is a legend in that league. So why shouldn’t old Mo Poch get a piece of the pie?
‘Anyway, I know the Browns are a bit of a mess. Someone told me they didn’t win a match for two years or something like that. But at least they’ve got their own stadium, and if I’m being totally up front here, I reckon I’ve got much more of a chance of winning some silverware there than I do at Spurs.’
It is unclear as to whether or not Pochettino is aware that the NFL is not an association football league. It is also unclear as to whether or not Dorsey is aware that the Premier League is not a gridiron feeder league for the NFL.
Similarly, it is unclear as to whether or not Daniel Levy gives a flying f*ck either way.
The Rebound is Paddy Power’s weekly breaking news story that may not actually have happened or be real in any way.