*Dear Dychey is Paddy Power’s Agony Aunt column is not written by anyone who could could even pass for a current Premier League manager. Any apparent resemblance to one is purely coincidental.
Our sage of sound sporting sense is here to provide some clear counsel and worldly wisdom.
Dr Dychey (Definitely Not Sean Dyche), deliver your tablets of rock-solid spiritual succour to us confused masses…
I’m tempted to try something new – but am I falling into a trap?
I’m the best in the business. I just beat the biggest name in my sport, though he seemed more interested in selling some stinking booze than having a real fight.
There was some controversy after it – I may have lost my temper a smidge – and I could be banned because of it.
Now another promoter is offering me a deal that seems too good to be true? It’ll mean I have to change my style, but the money, oh man the money you would not believe…
What should I do?
Dr Dychey: I’ve heard it said Khabib that money cannot buy you happiness, but it sure can make misery a lot easier.
And it might even nab the occasional three points, Mr Chairman.
It certainly will allow someone purchase my new audiobook, available at all the usual places for the low, low price of £44.99 right now.
It’s 24 gripping chapters of me humming constantly with my tremulous timbre at a consistent tone, a sound that has been scientifically proven (in tests on some of our more aggressive staff members) to provide a calming effect in 62.59% of agitated trainee footballers.
The work has been praised as the most sonorously satisfying selection of audio this side of Phil Spector’s Wall of Sound, and has been added to materials supplied by the NHS to those suffering from ailments as diverse as chronic insomnia to tinnitus.
All of which is to say it’s a great listen.
As far as your query goes, if you think you can look yourself in the mirror after doing this deal, I say take the chance.
And even if you can’t, this could make you so rich you can have someone follow you around and turn all mirrors to face the wall for the rest of your life.
A member of my team has brought great shame on me and my work with his zealous celebrations and undignified behaviour.
It has caused me great embarrassment and I have found myself smoking even more than usual – I can usually work myself through 50 cigarettes before the boys turn up for training.
How should I address the unpleasant incident with my staff member? And have you any advice for getting off the smokes?
Dr Dychey: Knowing how to handle those who step out of line is one the essential traits of any good manager. You need to know the character of the person – some need a cuddle, others need the clip round the ear.
If you believe this individual is genuinely contrite you just need to let them know how disappointed you are.
Look at Joe Hart. He makes so many mistakes and every time he fronts up, takes it on the chin, and vows to try to go a few games longer next time before he throws another one in.
I respect that. You know it hurts him every single time he makes a balls of something. It’s etched in his face.
However, if you’re thinking this character need to be taught a lesson, you need to find a punishment appropriate to the crime.
This incident has caused you great anxiety. Maybe on the next away trip, you lock this individual in the toilet on the coach and channel all the fumes from your cigarettes into it through a tube.
That’ll give him a real sense of all the trouble he caused you with his obnoxious antics.
As far as the smoking goes, it’s a common misconception I owe my uniquely rough-hewn vocal cords to years on the Woodbines – it was actually a tragic karaoke incident involving an unfortunate effort to mimic the earth-trembling tones of Barry White, if you must know – so I can’t speak from personal experience of the habit.
But I do have a new audiobook out that’s been found to cure…