The Manchester United v Chelsea game ended like any good boxing press conference, or episode of Jeremy Kyle, with Jose Mourinho being restrained from launching himself at a man the world now knows to be called Marco Ianni.
Sadly, the goody-goody security staff at Stamford Bridge stepped in to prevent bloodshed on the sidelines and the hatchet appears to have been buried.
However, you can be sure that the Special One has spent most of his Monday and Tuesday training sessions telling his team just how badly he would have battered the entire Chelsea bench and flexing his biceps.
It all begs the question – who would we like to see face the Portuguese man o’ war over 12 rounds in the Old Trafford technical area?
Mourinho V Marco Ianni
In the space of seconds, Marco Ianni went from being a more or less unknown part of the Chelsea back room staff to being world famous for doing exactly what every football fan would do in his place – rubbing a goal in Mourinho’s face with all the subtlety of a darts player’s celebration.
Mourinho never got to swing a haymaker at Ianni, but we can guarantee that the Italian’s name has just been added to the Man United boss’s book of eternal grudges, which he carries around with him everywhere.
The next time United face Chelsea we can only expect Mourinho be on hand to offer the deadly fake handshake or a little kick on the ankle as they go down the stairs.
Let’s hope for an early, controversial United goal, followed by an obscene, gloating celebration from Mourinho gyrating in Ianni’s face and we can sit back and watch the fireworks.
But any promoter worth their salt would be able to sell Mourinho Vs Ianni as long as they do it fast, before everyone forgets who Marco Ianni is again.
Mourinho V Paul Pogba
The two have been sniping at each other in training for months, surely it’s time to settle it like men, with a good old fashioned training ground fist fight.
The obvious way to get this done is to have the other players and management staff surround the two men in a circle and to chant ‘fight, fight, fight’ – a method perfected in school playgrounds across the world.
The presence of training ground equipment could be a welcome addition to the scrap – slaloming in and out of poles and hurdles, belting balls at each other, trying to trap the other man in a bib, the works.
Like any good action movie, the fight can continue into the gym, the sauna, the steam room and plunge pools and conclude in the trophy room with the winner spearing the loser poetically on the EFL Cup trophy.
Mourinho V Arsene Wenger
Wenger may have left the Arsenal bench, but he has unfinished business with Mourinho dating back to 2014.
When the two men grappled during Chelsea’s 2-0 win over the Gunners at Stamford Bridge, it was the Frenchman who was very much on the front foot, launching in with two handy pushes while Mou stumbled.
Mourinho’s only attempt at a punch ended up barely rattling Wenger’s tie.
History has to record it as a win for Wenger on points even if he got zero points on the pitch that day.
Wenger’s height and reach advantage give him the upper hand and, let’s face it, he knows how to take abuse on the chin and keep coming forward, but Mourinho is keeping in better fighting shape while Wenger is finally taking some well-deserved holiday.
Really for the best dramatic effect this one should take place at the top of a waterfall after receiving a series of cryptic messages and it should end with the two men realising how much they respect each other before they tumble over the precipice.
Manchester United’s Portuguese manager Jose Mourinho (L) shakes hands with Manchester City’s Spanish manager Pep Guardiola after the EFL (English Football League) Cup fourth round match between Manchester United and Manchester City at Old Trafford in Manchester, north west England on October 26, 2016.
Manchester United won the game 1-0. / AFP / Oli SCARFF / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE. No use with unauthorized audio, video, data, fixture lists, club/league logos or ‘live’ services. Online in-match use limited to 75 images, no video emulation. No use in betting, games or single club/league/player publications. / (Photo credit should read OLI SCARFF/AFP/Getty Images)
Mourinho V Pep Guardiola
It’s a classic rivalry, Barcelona v Real Madrid, Portugal v Spain, total football v parking the bus.
If their teams’ styles of play are anything to by, we can expect some cagey stuff and the fight to go the distance.
While Guardiola attempts to piece together the perfect 12-punch combo, Mourinho will keep his guard up and duck-and-weave repeatedly, not really throwing any punches at all but hoping to wear his opponent down.
Mourinho doesn’t care if the fans are booing if come round 12 he sneakily kicks Guardiola in the nuts and catches him with a knockout blow.
It’s definitely worth pitching this as the undercard for the November derby with the inevitable rematch in March.
Mourinho V The Press
Mourinho has always had a love-hate relationship with the press, but over the course of this season it has rapidly turned into a hate-hate relationship.
In fact, Jose’s press conferences are becoming so fractious that it’s a relatively fine line to cross before the Special One starts throwing punches, wading into the press corps flailing wildly after a seemingly innocuous question about his formation.
Frankly, we’d all love to see Mourinho go full badass, asking if any of the assembled journalists fancy a piece of him, ripping his shirt down the middle and diving into the melee fists flying.
Sure enough he’d be back the next day bruised and bloody complaining to the handful of plaster-cast wearing journos that the press always blow everything out of proportion.
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