Love it or hate it, Brexit is coming soon, like some kind of scuttling, multi-legged robot arachnid spewing fire and plague into our gawping, disbelieving mouths.
It’s the one issue that’s divided Britain more than the debate over whether Piers Morgan is a contemptible sub-human waste of organs and energy or just a manky bell end – but unlike Morgan, who’s to say that Brexit is really going to be all that bad?
The only real problem is the negotiation of the actual deal to leave the EU itself, which is being handled about as well as Steve Wigley handled his short-lived tenure at Southampton about 15 years or so ago. It got me thinking about which of the current roster of Premier League managers would be best suited to help ease us out of the EU, and if indeed they’d want a hard, soft or any kind of Brexit at all…
SEAN DYCHE – HARD BREXIT
A strict, no-nonsense operator with a penchant for recruiting good old meat-and-two-veg UK footballers. Any possibility that Dyche might favour closer ties with the continent have been well and truly scuppered by Burnley’s catastrophic Europa League campaign over the last couple of months.
In fact, it is said that Dyche has now vowed never to play an away match anywhere where you can’t get a full English breakfast INCLUDING black pudding and with HP Sauce.
CLAUDE PUEL – THE NEGOTIATOR
It’s a well-known fact that the Leicester boss has the gentlest, most soothing voice of all the Premier League managers, which would make him the number one choice to thrash out a Brexit deal that would satisfy everyone.
Surely even the most hard-hearted Eurosceptic would soften in an instant if Claude suggested that Britain could sign up for Brexit with EEA membership. Just close your eyes and imagine him tenderly promising you ‘closer ties but with the sovereignty that you rightly crave’ in that Boursin-soft French accent.
Yeah, I’m off for a little bit of a lie down now.
KLOPP – REMAIN… AND EXPAND THE EU
As the Liverpool manager recently said, ‘The EU is not perfect but it was the best idea we had. History has always shown that when we stay together we can sort out problems. When we split then we start fighting. There was not one time in history where division creates success. So, for me, Brexit still makes no sense.’
He is also said to have added, ‘But wait – the EU is simply not big enough. We must allow the WHOLE WORLD to join! Then we can all sort out our problems together, maybe during Oktoberfest or at Glastonbury. We will all sip nectar from goblets and weave flowers into our hairs. All of our hairs. It will be beautiful and I will be in charge.’
BENITEZ – POST-BREXIT PRIME MINISTER
Once we’re out of the EU, there’ll be no money left in the UK kitty and there’s only one man who knows how muddle along in those circumstances – Lord Rafa of tha Toon. Does that mean that Mike Ashley is the human embodiment of Brexit? Makes sense…
MOURINHO – REMOANER/REMOANERMOANER
There’s nothing Jose likes more than complaining and if there’s one thing that unites both sides in the tedious, unending debate about Brexit it’s having a f***ing good whinge.
The beleaguered Manchester United boss would be absolutely hopeless in steering the UK towards any kind of Brexit as he’d be constantly moaning on about both sides of the debate AND the supporters of both sides, all at the same time.
Kind of like a walking temple for discontent, you could guarantee that if you needed to jaw on about the wretched state of any aspect of the Brexit disaster, Jose would be right up for joining in, wholeheartedly agreeing with everything you say… and then arguing against it all and stripping you of any vice-captaincy position that you might hold.
ROY HODGSON – BREXIT KING
He’s statesmanlike, he has leadership experience all over Europe and he once held the most important job in the UK – England manager. Oh, and he’s really old, which helps you believe that he possesses some kind of wisdom, unlike the current Brexit Secretary, the sinister Dominic Raaaaaab.
There’s only one Premier League boss who can guide Britain out the EU and into a new era of untrammelled chaos… and it’s Uncle Roy!