What an insight into the mind of Theresa May this was:
— Sky News (@SkyNews) July 23, 2018
When the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom needs to relax, she puts on a TV series about murders, assaults and a whole host of serious crimes committed or suffered by the US Navy and Marine Corps. You can read into that anything you like.
To be honest, it’s not the type of show that does much for us, but whatever floats your aircraft carrier.
Still, it set us to wondering about what other famous figures might put on the tellybox when they have a bit of downtime. So, with the Premier League season a matter of weeks away, we set out to discover the viewing habits of the division’s biggest names.
Harry Kane – Teletubbies
Let’s be honest. It doesn’t appear as if there’s much going on behind the blank, open-mouthed visage of England and Tottenham’s star centre-forward. But perhaps part of what it takes to become a hitman in front of goal is a shark-like mind only capable of processing one, very simple, thought at a time: Feed, feed, feed, score, score, score.
And so Harry is naturally drawn to programmes that are largely monosyllabic in terms of dialogue. Plot is not a major concern, with the main criterion being that it’s as basic and easy to comprehend as possible. Scripts containing fewer than 5 words are ideal.
It’s therefore hardly a surprise that England’s number nine is an avid Teletubbies viewer, owning a vast collection of Tubbies DVDs dating back to the early 2000s.
Team-mates will occasionally hear him complain of an episode being difficult to follow, but on the whole he is overwhelmingly positive about the show. Rumours abound of a La-La tattoo on the sole of his foot, while there are unconfirmed reports of him repeating the mantra ‘eh oh, eh oh, eh oh’ before each penalty at the 2018 World Cup.
Loris Karius – Iron Fist
Aside from looking a bit like the title character of this series set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there’s every reason for Loris Karius to enjoy Iron Fist.
It’s a comeback story about a man, Danny Rand, whose career (and, unlike Karius, life) was presumed to be finished after a tragic and high-profile incident.
After some time in the doldrums, Rand returns to conquer all those who choose to wrong him, using the all-powerful might of his right fist. Danny literally has the strength in his fist to break through walls and deflect fast-moving objects, such as bullets and, presumably, firmly struck shots from Gareth Bale.
What Karius would have given for that in Kiev last May.
James Milner – All Aboard: The Canal Trip
Part of the ‘BBC Four Goes Slow’ series, this one features “a two-hour canal trip at just 4mph through the Kennet and Avon Canal.”
Oh, and there was no presenter. Or soundtrack. Or anything except a barge moving along a canal.
So absorbed was Milner by the show that he’s said to have stopped ironing his socks for the entire duration of the journey and simply sat in absolute silence with his eyes on the screen.
“Yeah, it was good, I enjoyed it although if anything it was perhaps a bit TOO exciting,” he is believed to have tweeted shortly afterwards.
All Aboard: The Canal Trip may have been considered by some the most boring show ever on UK TV, but James adored it and re-watches nearly every weekend before a match in order to ‘get his head in the right place.’
Xherdan Shaqiri – Mighty Mouse
When Kevin Keegan played for Hamburg, they used to call him ‘Mighty Mouse’. When Xherdan Shaqiri played for Bayern, they used to call him the ‘Power Cube’, but he’d probably have preferred King Kev’s moniker, as by all accounts he is hopelessly obsessed with watching reruns of the classic Terrytoons series.
Sharing roughly the same build as that miniature rodent, Shaqiri loves nothing more than confounding much bigger opponents with the sheer strength of his physique and willpower. He barrels about the place with the insolent determination of a wee man gifted with a massive, er, heart and a centre of gravity so low it could drag the moon out of orbit.
Judging by his rotundity in the past, it’s quite possible he may have adopted some of Mighty Mouse’s dietary habits as a tribute, and spent many an evening nibbling away at a wheel of cheddar until the early hours of the morning.
Ryan Giggs – Wife Swap
Er. Nuff said.