Five top nerds who can improve your club’s fortunes in 2018/19

Arsenal have 'signed' a Candy Crush guru as a Data Scientist. Here are five other boffins who clubs should be announcing this summer...



It may feel distant, but the long-awaited Premier League season has almost returned. With the summer transfer window cracking on in a fairly overlooked fashion, people seem to have forgotten that improvements are needed.

But shaking things up on the pitch isn’t all that’s required for a successful club. As Arsenal have shown this week, changes to backroom staff are often required too. Mikhail Zhilkin is the latest addition to the Gunners’ setup and has formerly worked as a data scientist for Candy Crush. His job will essentially be in analysing data to help Arsenal develop their physical fields such as the prevention of injury.

It got us thinking, what other clubs could do with a specky, working-from-home sort of chap to fix things up behind the scenes?

To save you the headache, we’ve taken a look at the Premier League’s top five clubs and worked it out. Who knows, they may even heed our advice.

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Manchester City – Mr D. Dre (Beats Electronics LLC)

There’s an endemic problem at Manchester City. Whilst everything goes swimmingly on the pitch and from the gaffer, things in the stands aren’t so great.

They may well be expecting a rare back-to-back Premier League title this season, but you won’t hear about it if they do. The Citizens suffer from the unfortunate issue of having far too few fans for their stadium and fail regularly to raise a peep in celebration.

Current attempts to rally the troops are failing miserably, as evidenced by the hideous video below. We thought Mr Dre might be able to implement some of the tactics that have worked so well for the headphone company into improving the noise at City’s Etihad stadium. Something has to help, right?

Manchester United – Mr J.F. Antioco (Blockbusters LLC)

Poor old John. The former Blockbusters CEO must have thought he had it all back when the VHS-loaning business were operating in full swing, at the top of the game. They were an undisputed champion of the shopping world and now their success is only a distant memory among wistful millennials.

But John rolls with the punches and John is coping with losing the glory and honour once commanded by his company. Advising United on how to do likewise would be charitable of the fella. Fergie’s clearly doing a crap job in that regard.

Tottenham Hotspur – Mr A Rubin (Android)

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride: Spurs fans have been gloating about nearly winning things from time immemorial and Mr Rubin must feel similar frustrations.

Forever in Apple’s shadow, Android seem to be the world’s perennial silver medal. Spurs seem therefore to be their football-based equivalent and so, if nothing else, a little therapeutic bonding between the likes of Daniel Levy and Mr Rubin might go someway to easing the pair’s pain.

Liverpool – Mr T Lee (The Vacuum Pouch Company Ltd)

This is a trickier one. But bear with us, business can be complicated at times.

Mr Lee specialises in vacuum packing items such as clothes. It saves space and makes for neat little bundles of tightly packed, highly satisfying, material blocks. You’ve seen this stuff on QVC. We reckon Liverpool – more specifically Liverpool fans – are suffering from a serious, troubling issue that he could help out with.

Their massive heads, filled by inflated egos and notions of history and heritage, need dealing with ASAP. Mr Lee could adapt his mind-blowing technology like never before and help the world shrink the perma-bragging red army, those stuck in the 1980s, to an acceptable sized average noggin. We could then box them away and pretend they don’t exist til the moths set to work.

Chelsea – Mr J Bloggs (Management Solutions)

Need we say more?

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What do you think?