Classic Kyle: Ranking Kyle Walker’s biggest cock-ups

Adding the Tunisia penalty farce to his catalogue of calamity, Kyle Walker has somehow ascended to the top of the game despite some magnificent meltdowns...

If one thing’s for certain this summer it’s that football’s coming home. It’s a dead cert, guaranteed, nailed-on banker. England are winning the World Cup and that’s that. Failing to do so would be one monumental failure.

Fortunately for those not supporting St George’s lads, the Three Lions have a master of monumental mishaps in their ranks. They have the cock-up choreographer himself, Kyle Andrew Walker.

Disclaimer: this is hyperbole, but I have an editor to please.

during the 2018 FIFA World Cup Russia group G match between Tunisia and England at Volgograd Arena on June 18, 2018 in Volgograd, Russia.

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Kyle’s cock-ups come in a variety of flavours and we’ve ranked them in terms of least to most cocked-up for your in-between-World-Cup-games entertainment. Enjoy.

6 – Mugging off that ball-boy

We all remember the Manchester derby whereby ‘milk-gate’ briefly became a thing and Jose Mourinho went on the warpath à la a four-year-old child.

The Special Twat wasn’t the only man to make a fool of himself that day, however. Kyle Walker ‘hilariously’ mugged off a poor, humiliated boy in the course of the match, refusing to take the ball from him before blaming the innocent fella for time-wasting.

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Rumour has it the little lad went home distraught that night and cried into his mother’s soggy arms until the small hours of the morning. He then left his role as a ball-boy and has since locked himself up for months on end, rocking gently with the sound of Manc laughter ringing around his damaged young mind indefinitely. Selfish, Kyle.

5 – Scoring in the wrong end

Also against United, the wrong-headed right-back famously and rather amusingly netted at the wrong end for Spurs by running, essentially, into the ball without any thought as to the very apparent goal he was facing. Hugo Lloris was beaten by this class effort from the England star. That takes some doing, you have to hand it to him.

4 – Scoring in the wrong end

Chelsea.

3 – Scoring in the wrong end

Stoke.

2 – Performances this season

Kyle Walker spectacularly killed Manchester City’s hopes of winning the FA Cup last season and destroyed their shot at earning the quadruple.

When facing the now burnt Will Grigg, defenders ought to be careful. The City full-back failed to heed this advice however and bizarrely let a through ball slip between his gaping legs to allow the clinical Irishman to make Wigan’s season. Poor – if entertaining – behaviour. Much funnier than that ball-boy lark.

Unable to make amends for this fateful cock-up, Walker later went on to produce one of the poorest performances of the season when facing Liverpool for City. During the Champions League quarter-final defeat, Walker played an utterly abject farce of a game when he should have been at his best. So that’s two cups to blame him for.

1 – This

We’ll give it to him, it’s quite funny stuff. Though Walker’s rapping – and inability to recite John Barnes’ masterpiece with accuracy, a cardinal sin – leaves much to be desired.

Simon Cowell taking it seriously is possibly the worst part, mind. “Gets me excited for the World Cup again.” Have a day off, mate. Anyway, try to enjoy this without cringing yourself to a hernia.

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