Aston Villa face Fulham in the Championship play-off final at Wembley on Saturday.
Hilariously, it’s probably worth more money than the Champions League final is – but anyway.
Here at Power Tower, we’ve weighed up the options and can conclude which side we want to get back to the promised land. That side is Fulham, and here’s why.
First off, nobody likes seeing John Terry win things. Ever.
Until Steven Gerrard did him a favour five years later, Terry’s slip in Moscow was solely responsible for eighty percent of internet comedy. He’s won loads at Chelsea and done it rather smugly. Indeed, Brexit John himself personifies that bloke around the corner who thinks he’s intelligent because he won £25 total from his twelve £2 scratch cards.
He’d probably demand a guard of honour on his way to pose, alone, with one of those awful ‘we are going up’ banners.
— talkSPORT ? (@talkSPORT) May 25, 2017
Secondly, football fans shouldn’t be deprived of the Second City derby. It’s comfortably the most intense rivalry in England and probably second only to Celtic and Rangers in Britain.
Until Birmingham City settle on which fraudulent hedge fund-manipulating Chinese con artist consortium they want to finally bankrupt them, Villa will have to refrain from getting promoted for the time being so we can all get blood and thunder twice a year.
On this day in 1963…
— Birmingham City FC (@BCFC) May 27, 2016
If you’re seeing a trend here, you’re probably right. You’ll do well to find too many reasons why Fulham would be a welcome addition to the top tier since Facundo Sava returned his sweaty mask to the four-year-old child he stole it from, but Craven Cottage is comfortably one of the most unique grounds in England and its inclusion in the top tier adds both variety and a sense of heritage – far more than the countless box grounds that are bizarrely costing millions to design. It will also be interesting to see just how elaborate Aleksandar Mitrovic’s celebrations will be.
Fulham being promoted would also likely see Ryan Sessegnon stay at the club instead of being sold for half of what he’ll eventually be worth, to sit on the bench and watch someone half as talented as him play out the season to a dull, uneventful finish, during which he’ll learn absolutely nothing.
Conversely, Villa staying down (deep breath, dons green-tinted glasses) probably keeps Conor Hourihane and Scott Hogan in or around the first team of a talented side who will be winning far more than they would be otherwise. It’d also really annoy the treacherous Jack Grealish, which would elicit amazing scenes all over this island when he ultimately feels the pain he should have suffered at international level for our bloody good cause (removes green-tinted glasses).
While Villa certainly have history and were comfortably one of the biggest clubs in England for an extended stretch, they’re no longer the fun little try-hards they once were. Juan Pablo Angel was the spiritual embodiment of a good laugh, but a Villa without Gabby Agbonlahor isn’t progression – it’s an identity crisis.
Are we even ready for this new club? The club whose owner, Doctor (we have out doubts) Tony Xia, tweets out nonsensical encouragement at the strangest of intervals.
So there you go, Fulham. A promotional push simply because your ground fell into an antiquated state and you drew a side who had a few Irish players that need game time. There’s no reason the FA won’t land on the same logical platform that we have.
I cannot choose the best. The best chooses me. UTV!@AVFCOfficial pic.twitter.com/J7kDtxus1r
— Dr. Tony Xia (@Dr_TonyXia) August 7, 2016