Steven Gerrard will (probably) be the next manger of Rangers Football Club.
No, we still can’t quite believe it either.
By all accounts the former England midfielder is developing into a very decent coach, having spent a few years learning his trade in Liverpool’s youth setup, and things may end up working out beautifully for him in Glasgow. But, well, let’s be honest, it’s a bit of a weird one.
Rangers supporters, understandably, expect their team to win, or at least challenge, for the Scottish Premiership title every year. Is that something Gerrard can realistically offer in his first ever management job? His former Three Lions team-mate Gary Neville showed that making the transition from coaching in the background to taking control of the team is no easy task.
We’ll have to wait and see what happens. In the meantime, here are four outfits we think Stevie G might have been better off considering.
Hwaebul Sports Club, Pyongyang
Where better for Stevie G to hone his skills than in the best football league in the entire universe, the DPR Korea Premier Football League? Granted, the division has been dominated by April 25 Sports Club recently, but Hwaebul are hopeful that Gerrard can restore the glory of their 2014 run to the title, and are believed to have offered the Liverpudlian a six-month probationary contract.
We asked one of their current players a bit about the club and the prospect of being managed by a legend of English football. Here’s what he had to say:
“Hwaebul is an excellent club! It’s run so brilliantly well, with excellent facilities and huge attendances like all DPR Korea clubs!
“We do our best to win the league each year, but the standard is so high! So high! Definitely the highest standard of any league in football including the Premier League!
“As players we model ourselves on Our Dear Leader, who is a lethal finisher great at sticking it top bins but who can no longer play because he tore his hammy on account of being too fast!
“We will be delighted to welcome Mr Steven Gerrard to the club and the league! We firmly believe in reaching out to less fortunate people in football and teaching them our ways!
“Can you please stop hitting me now?”
The Fifth Circle of Hell – Hades FC
Hades is an underrated destination, having been given a bad name based on some unfair historical associations.
In reality, there are some lovely landscapes available when the weather is favourable. Spectacular views of each Circle are to be had while cruising leisurely along the Styx, most notably in the Gluttony District, where many fine restaurants can be found. Try the Caesar Salad at Locusta’s Deli for a flavoursome local dish!
And don’t miss out on spending a few hours – or minutes, depending on your personal style – in the Lust District, where plenty of good times are to be had.
Arguably, however, the most pleasant experience one can have is to stroll casually among the rococo facades and river-front cafe-bars of the Fifth Circle, where you might even be lucky enough to run into a celebrity such as Pol Pot or Genghis Khan.
The Fifth Circle is also the home of Hades FC, currently run by former Atletico Madrid supremo Jesus Gil. They’re a perfect fit for Gerrard, with a strong academy setup and exceptional training facilities.
Shaheen Asmayee F.C., Downtown Kabul
The Afghan Premier League has come on in leaps and bounds in recent years.
Kabul’s laid-back atmosphere should suit Gerrard down to the ground, and he may welcome the opportunity to gain total control of a team without having to worry about a Director of Football. Shaheen Asmayee are believed to be prepared to give Stevie G full control of the transfer budget, which should compensate for any perceived lack of current playing resources.
This would be a huge chance for Gerrard to prove he is an all-round manager capable of managing not just his players but also a balance-sheet.
West Bromwich Albion
Actually, on second thoughts, no-one deserves that.