Fight Night: Conor McGregor takes on world football

If there’s going to be any world famous sports person arrested for smashing up a bus, it’s going to be either Conor McGregor or Jamie Vardy, isn’t it?

There’s not a vast selection of angry athletes with a penchant for violence, so McGregor’s latest antics shouldn’t have taken anyone by surprise. It’s his f*ckin’ job, innit?

The bloke loves a scrap and, in the world of football, there seems to be a large collection of players who’d be similarly up for a bit of a dust-up. Unlike golf, tennis, cricket – maybe not darts, so much – and Formula One, football has its fair roster of bruisers and toothless knuckle-draggers.

But just how would these lads fare when taken from having a skinful in the corner of the local Wetherspoons and plunked right into the heart of the Octagon, Mr McGregor standing cockily in front of them? We’ve drummed up a list of football’s most probable UFC fighters and hypothetically matched them up with the Irish lightweight champion.

Here’s how they got on:

1) McGregor vs Martin Keown

Renowned for refusing to take any nonsense, Martin Keown has since turned his husky, gruff voice to television. But should he fancy reinvoking the glory days as a big, bruising enforcer, he could do worse than a bout with Conor Mcgregor.

Sadly, this fight would end in tears and the former Arsenal man would be shown up for the massive front that he is. All mouth and no trousers, Marty.

2) McGregor vs Stuart Pearce

This would be a bloody, tough and fiery contest with ‘Psycho’ going hell for leather and initially tearing lumps out of McGregor. However, halfway into the first bout, the old patriot would begin to well up; face reddening and veins pulsing. He’d proclaim how proud he was to fight for his country in the battle to assert English identity across the globe.

Spitting at McGregor – an Irishman, and therefore not worthy of Pearce’s company – he’d get so carried away that the UFC star would have plenty of time to dismantle the raging nut case. Another victory for the Notorious.

3) McGregor vs Craig Bellamy

An uneven battle and, if we’re honest, poor form from the referee in allowing it to continue. Having been told that, no, he couldn’t bottle his opposition, Bellamy would look utterly lost. McGregor would batter the fella and leave the Octagon swiftly and successfully. Job done.

With true grit, however, the defeated Welshman might drum up the balls to groan some offensive ‘your mum’ based slur to McGregor from the floor as he swaggered off victoriously. In Bellamy’s mind, he’ll have won.

4) McGregor vs Vinnie Jones

The big boys. No messing about with these two: it’s crunch time.

McGregor and Jones would go at each other like the former Crazy Gang member does to those foxes when he’s hunting. Using their teeth, pulling hair, gouging eyes; the works, the two would ultimately pair up to turn on the ref and prevent the fight from being stopped.

Having dismantled him as one unit, they’d separate again, laughing and beaming as blood filled every possibly orifice. The Octagon would become a bloodbath of joy for the pair of fight-lovin’ mentalists and both would win for the sheer fun enjoyed lumping one another’s brains out.

5) McGregor vs Jamie Vardy

An unfair fight to the untrained eye. Vardy, slim and awkward, would at first appear set for a serious beating. But as soon as the former Fleetwood poster boy gets unleashed; he’d show the crowd the real party.

Dancing about with the agility of a ballerina but the sting of a scorpion, McGregor would be no match for this king of the tussle.

“The streets is a rough place and you gotta learn fast growin’ up in my ends,” he’ll mutter to the camera as he leaves the Irishman doubled over on the floor.

Finally, a match for the bus destroyer. All hail Jamie Vardy!