Andy Dawson: Liverpool v Man City – The Rotten XI

They weren't always the two most exciting sides. They were littered with some absolute shitebags over the years....

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Liverpool and Manchester City went head to head in the Champions League last night – the Premier League’s most exciting sides slugging it out for European glory. What a result – and a game! Some top class talent on that pitch. But it wasn’t always that way for these two – both teams have had some absolutely minging players over the years.

We’ve picked out a rotten XI for both Liverpool and City, and asked still-shellshocked fans to comment on them…

LIVERPOOL XI

GOALKEEPER: PEGGUY ARPHEXAD
‘He only played for us a couple of times but the whole thing felt like it was a prank that was being played on us. Or maybe some kind of weird tax loophole thing.’

DEFENDERS: 

BJORN TORE KVARME
‘I think I felt sorry for him more than anything else. I felt like going round to his house and asking if he needed any help with anything. Maybe get him fixed up with Meals on Wheels or something.’

DJIMI TRAORE
‘He’s got a Champions League winners medal. Why the f*** haven’t *I* got a Champions League winners medal?’

TORBEN PIECHNIK
‘A cross between a giraffe and a massive dickhead.’

PAUL KONCHESKY
‘Even worse than Hamburglar. And Hamburglar was a total bastard.’

MIDFIELDERS

BRUNO CHEYROU
‘From a distance, if you shut your eyes a bit, he looked like Zinedine Zidane. Open them halfway and he looked like a proper footballer. But when you opened them properly and studied him carefully, it all just fell apart.’

SALIF DIAO
‘His Match Attax card wouldn’t burn. The only one I’ve ever tried to set fire to and it just wouldn’t burn. Weird.’

CHRISTIAN POULSEN
‘I don’t know where he’s living or what he’s doing right now, but I kind of hope that he’s in a significant amount of pain.’

FORWARDS

SEAN DUNDEE
‘Worse than a crow.’

ANDRIY VORONIN
‘I always imagined that if you cut him in half, a load of dust would fall out. Like in a hoover bag.’

FERNANDO MORIENTES
‘When I heard we’d signed him, I built a shrine to him in my shed. Six months later and I found myself cackling as I doused that shed in petrol and set it ablaze.’

MANCHESTER CITY XI

GOALKEEPER

ANDY DIBBLE
‘I bumped into him in the street once and offered him my crash helmet. He thought I was joking.’

DEFENDERS

ALAN KERNAGHAN
‘I had to stop going to watch us when he was playing for us. I used to volunteer at my local animal rescue shelter instead, cleaning dog wounds.’

ELIAQUIM MANGALA
‘Transfer fee could have paid for a brand new hospital AND there would have been less pain overall.’

STEFAN SAVIC
‘You’re not supposed to feel sorry for wealthy footballers who are living the dream life of every one of us fans, are you? But I felt sorry for Savic. I wanted to rescue him and get him fixed up with a nice easy job doing nights at the 24-hour garage.’

MATIAS VUOSO
‘He might have been a defender, might have been a striker. I’ve got no idea to be honest because he never even pulled on the shirt for us. He might have been a genius! (He wasn’t.)’

MIDFIELDERS

SCOTT SINCLAIR
‘I used to try and control him with my mind from my seat. I’m still not sure if it worked or not.’

ADRIAN HEATH
‘I used to go home and lick the three bar fire after I’d watched him play, just so I could feel something other than sheer numbness.’

CHRISTIAN NEGOUAI
‘He didn’t even look like he knew what he was doing when he was warming up as a sub on the touchline. Maybe he was a mate of Ali Dia.’

FORWARDS

WILFRIED BONY
‘They should have played him up front with Moonchester the mascot – they’d probably have been on the same wavelength.’

ROLANDO BIANCHI
‘It was like he’d won the chance to play for City in a raffle, but then couldn’t actually be arsed.

JO
‘The day he left the club, I had a party. Just me, on my own – I was living in Canada at the time. The party went on for three days.’

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