Holograms and burglar-chasing – How to up the atmosphere in dull Premier League grounds

Once again, and mainly for the purposes of this article’s conceit, football is in crisis. Not the same crisis as the one it was in last week, but a different one

It’s been said that Manchester United are looking at new ways of turning up the atmospheric heat at staid Old Trafford, with speculation about song sheets being handed out and the introduction of cheerleaders armed with megaphones.

It sounds grim but it’s come to this because football supporters fall into two very distinctive breeds these days.

Look at the Premier League and on one hand, you’ve got the fans of the big clubs – the ones who expect to be in and around the trophy hunt by the very nature of their existence.

You won’t hear them making all that much noise unless something truly dramatic happens – their default position is to sit with their arms folded and wait for the inevitable success to appear in front of them. Sometimes they can go rogue though, like in the case of Arsenal, whose fans tend to make more noise outside the Emirates when a vlogger’s camera is pointed at them than they actually do during the matches.

Venture further down the league and you’ll find supporters whose only hopes are for survival and maybe a tilt at the top ten. Barring the occasional unexpected win against one of the aforementioned big boys, it isn’t a lot to cling on to, so it’s understandable that the atmosphere during their homes matches is a bit flat.

Meanwhile, right down at the bottom, the relegation battle is usually met with the grinding of teeth along with moaning, mumbling and grumbling. The atmosphere will only usually pick up when one of those rare wins comes along that could salvage Premier League status.

It’s a rotten old state of affairs and little wonder that clubs are scratching their heads as they wonder how to revive the good old days of raucous, rambunctious crowd noise. Handing out free booze would be the obvious answer but I’ve used my skill, judgement, socio-scientific knowledge and the back of a fag packet to come up with some ways to get the moribund stands of our biggest clubs rocking and rolling again.

‘Rival fans may scoff at the idea, but when they’re sitting in near silent stadiums during their next home game, they may wonder what the sound levels might be like if they employed a similar tactic.’ https://t.co/SlCvlLDmhK

— Paddy Power (@paddypower) March 21, 2018

GIVE US HALF TIME ENTERTAINMENT ALL THE TIME

And ramp it up while you’re at it. There’s plenty of spare touchline not patrolled by the assistant refs, so put it to good use and give us fans more to shout about during the many, many lulls in play.

I’m thinking human v horse sprint racing, I’m thinking races up greased stepladders and I’m thinking displays of police dogs chasing and bringing to the ground men dressed as stereotypical burglars, with hooped jerseys, face masks and bags with ‘SWAG’ written on them, filled with half-inched candlesticks.

Imagine if the Premier League had elaborate half time shows like the Superbowl…would make me feel better about paying £10000 to watch it👍

— sam (@saaaaaaaaamwise) February 8, 2016

MULTI-STOREY MATCHES

Let’s face it, FIFA 18 is now miles better than actual real life football so as well as having the ‘genuine’ action happening on the pitch, surely the technology exists for us to have a second match played on a PS4 and beamed out in hologram form about 50 feet above the main match.

I mean, what’s better than a car park? A multi-storey car park, of course. So what could be better than football? MULTI-STOREY FOOTBALL!

HEATED SEATS

As fans who support our teams through thick and thin, we deserve these but let’s enhance the concept further. Yes, our seats should be heated, but keep going until they’re unbearably hot, with fans only able to reduce the temperature by singing. The more decibels they produce, the nearer the heat will be to optimum temperature. Because we all love peril and hot arses, right? RIGHT!

HOT FOOD HURLING

Simple but brilliant – throw mini sausage rolls and chips into the mouths of fans if they bark like seals for them. I saw this at at an aquatic centre once with actual seals and fish and everyone there had a fantastic time. Sometimes genius is right in front of our very eyes…