Every one of us has had a moment or two in life where we’ve made the odd regrettable decision. Be it saying something below the belt in a row with your best pal or getting that dreadful ‘Maga 2K09’ tattoo across your arse, there’s a moment of madness tucked away in the life of every grown adult.
But have you ever spat viciously at a 14-year-old girl through your car window?
Just how to explain behaviour such as that – even for the arse-inked among us – is a difficult job. Fortunately, Paddy’s got a contact in the business who might be able to break down the strange psychology behind actions like those recently carried out by Jamie Carragher.
That contact namely being the man himself. Yes, it’s true*, we sat down and spoke with Carra after his grovelling TV interview to get behind just what really happened.
He wasn’t happy. But at least the fake quasi-tears put on for Sky had disappeared.
“Well, I’m spittin’ feathers to be honest with ya. That video and that interview and all the problems with bein’ famous these days make me out to be some kinda monster. I said I couldn’t explain me actions but, well, I can. Of course I can. The reasons behind them are jus’ a little embarrassing.”
We noticed Carra had a soggy looking bucket placed strategically closeby.
He hawked up a load of phlegm.
Into the bucket it went.
“Ya see, I have a very difficult predisposition what with being Scouse ‘n’ tha’.”
"The distance he gets on the delivery is fantastic. We've just witnessed something very special." pic.twitter.com/03aVC8jgjv
— Andy Ha (@_AndyHa) March 11, 2018
“First, obviously, we get all our words wrong like ‘baps’ ‘n’ ‘boss’, which just sounds silly. So I get meself a little frustrated over that sometimes and, in the car before spit-gate, I happened to be upset. And me club had just lost, but I’m used to that.”
“Anyway, the real problem comes from the fact that I’m not jus’ your standard Scouse, I proper Scouse it up. You heard me on MNF, right? So what with all the harsh, throaty sort of hissin’ goin’ on, you generate a lot of saliva.”
“That particular moment was a tough one for me because I’d been getting very phlegmy from all the talking at the match and I didn’t have me bucket there for help.”
Carragher nods at the damp metal vessel by his foot.
“It was all in me throat and there’s this fella who sounds like bloody Gary Neville – the spittin’ image and all, may I add – gettin’ all gobby and I just had to let it go or I was gonna explode.”
“On top of that, I got this great big jaw goin’ on. See that?”
Fast and Furious ft Carragher. pic.twitter.com/y4cIlqv2do
— – (@AnfieldRd96) March 12, 2018
Carra nodded – with his ultra expressive eyes – at the sizable jaw he was pushing out at us.
“It’s a weapon out of control lads; a danger in the wrong hands. A WMD: Weapon of Mass Drooling. Couple the catapult with an ever-ready supply of ammunition and you’ve got yeself a recipe for disaster. Specifically a very effective gob-shooting kind of disaster.”
With this our sound man was caught on the cheek by the flick of an overly jubilant spray.
Carragher looked downtrodden.
“And now I’m gonna lose me job for the affliction. It’s a very prejudiced world is punditry.”
We thought we’d lighten the mood a little as the former England star dribbled away gently, too upset to do anything else.
What will his plans be in future, if things with Sky go spits-up?
“I really don’t know. If I lose me mate, Gaz [Neville], I don’t know what I’ll do. I just have such little personality on me own without him. Me ‘n’ Gaz, Ant ‘n’ Deck, Scooby ‘n’ Shaggy. You know how it goes. Iconic duos in our respective professions.”
“To be honest with ya, if I did anything but MNF it’d just be spittin’ in the wind. Pointless to me.”
With that, we left him to it. What a miserable bloke. And to think we thought we’d be able to fill this piece with cheap and childish spit related puns for good humour. Cheer up, Jamie, at least your backside is without permanent decoration. Gob goes away with a wet wipe.
*May or may not actually be true.