There’s been a lot of fear and confusion emitted over the VAR trial in recent English cup matches, with enough hot air parped out of the mouths of so-called experts to send a fleet of hot air balloons to that salty planet from off of Star Wars: The Last Jedi and back.
Look, VAR will be a necessary innovation once they get it to work properly, and what’s more, it doesn’t go far enough. We need further technological explorations if the ‘beautiful game’ isn’t going to wither on us and turn into something that is in fact as beautiful as the doctor from The Cannonball Run.
Earlier, while I was having my 9am post-school run pint in my local all-day budget pub, I scribbled down some ideas on the back of a beer matand have pretty much mapped out football’s future in the glittering technological cyber-age that we stand on the brink of right now…
MICROPHONES FOR EVERYONE!
There’s been some debate over whether or not referees should be miked-up during the VAR decision-making process but I say that’s the tip of the iceberg. Get everyone wired for sound – players, managers, the referee, even the subs. Us fans can then choose who we listen to on our smartphones, immersing ourselves even deeper in the sport that, let’s face it, we’re completely and utterly funding and keeping alive.
All in all though, the main benefit of this scheme is that it would instantly wipe out that sickening habit players and managers have developed where they cover their mouths when they’re speaking in case a lipreading viewer picks it up. Scum.
Did that player dive in the penalty box? Was there malicious intent when that other player slid in with his studs showing? Does Sean Dyche REALLY smoke an exhaust pipe? All of those conundrums and many more will be banished forever once my instant lie detector thing is introduced into football.
Based on some technology that I imagine NASA and the CIA are currently pioneering, the lie detector would take the form of a helmet, not unlike the sex hat that Petr Cech has made famous by wearing, but with additional probes and wires and solar panels and that.
For the aforementioned penalty example, the referee simply orders the offending player to put on the helmet and asks him if he dived or not. If the helmet reveals that he’s lying, an instant punishment with a red hot branding iron is handed out (subject to legal and human rights clearance, which will probably be pretty easy to sort once we’re out of the EU).
The most forward-facing point of the male body is clearly the penis – attaching lasers to the penis of each player would mean that offside decisions could be made quickly and accurately every single time. If the penis is in an offside position, it means the player is also in an offside position.
Simples, as that insurance advert dog likes to say.
(I’m not entirely sure if the logistics of this would work properly – I just like walking around saying ‘penis lasers’ as much as possible. Post-school run, obviously.)
FANS CONTROLLING ROBOT PLAYERS
Everyone knows that playing FIFA or PES is more fun than going to an actual football match nowadays, so it’s time the two were combined into the ultimate entertainment experience. Under my regime, all fans will be handed a game controller pad or joystick, or whatever the f*** they’re called these days, and will be able to wirelessly control their own team’s players.
Thanks to technology that I imagine is currently being pioneered by the North Koreans, the majority movement at any given time will determine the movements of the players. Who will be robots. Because developing robots to play football will be considerably cheaper than say, paying Jack Rodwell £70k a week to sit on his arse.
ALLOWING FANS TO DRINK ALCOHOL IN THEIR SEATS DURING MATCHES
Whoops – I’ve clearly got carried away with this one. Never going to happen. Far beyond the realms of possibility and reason. Sorry.