Andy Dawson: ‘Expected Bullshit’ and 9 other things we learned from Xmas footy

xBS, Mourinho's bleating, Handsome Alan and much more...

Alan Pardew

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NEWCASTLE ALMOST GOT IT RIGHT

It was far from pretty but by stifling Manchester City, Rafa’s plucky triers came so close to getting their reward – okay, they may have lost 1-0 but they forged a couple of near-equaliser chances and if they’d just gone toe-to-toe with their ridiculously efficient opponents, they’d probably have been mullered by half time.

Remember, kids – the defending is an art in itself and you’ve got no divine right to be entertained by football. If it’s raw entertainment you’re after, World’s Strongest Man is on Channel 5 every evening at 7pm.

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CITY HAVE BROUGHT THIS ON THEMSELVES

‘Bleh bleh bleh, it’s not fair,’ bleat countless City fans, along with Pep Guardiola himself, as more and more teams park the bus against them. That might be a valid point but another valid point is that having half a dozen top clubs with the vast majority of the money is also insanely unfair. Suck it up.

HARRY KANE IS A PHENOMENAL FOOTBALLER…

There, there’s your definitive take. He’s scored FIFTY-SIX GOALS since 1st January… FIFTY-F***ING-SIX. And yet some people are still a bit sniffy about him, claiming that he isn’t a top, top player. I suppose the only argument against that is the fact that he’s still only 24 means that there’s even more to come from him over the next few years.

Plus, he’s incredibly driven, talking in interviews about trying to improve tiny percentages in all areas of his game. He’s going to be one of the game’s all-time greats, and I’m afraid it won’t be at Spurs.

Feel his ferocious heat!

…AND ON HIS OWN IS BETTER THAN SEVEN EPL SIDES

Southampton, Swansea, Burnley, Watford, Stoke, West Brom and Crystal Palace have all scored fewer goals than Harry Kane this year. Burnley! They’re pretty much the best team in the land! Harry Kane, ladies and gentlemen. Feel. His. Ferocious. Heat.

JOSE MOURINHO HAS SMASHED UP ALL HIS TOYS

He’s like the spoilt brat who asked for a Big Trak and then dropped it out of the bathroom window because it doesn’t do wheelies. Mate, the time to complain that £300m isn’t enough to spend isn’t when you’ve just been beaten by Bristol City then had to claw your way back from 2-0 down against Burnley (who admittedly are pretty much the best team in the land, to be fair). Timing is everything, Jose… and yes, I realise that you’re not-so-secretly planning the timing of your Old Trafford exit.

THERE SHOULD BE AN XG FOR POST-MATCH INTERVIEWS

And it should be directly related to the amount of bullshit that spills out of a manager’s mouth. For example, when Jose denied the MOTD interviewer’s point that United are going through a sticky spell, that warranted three BS points.

At the end of the conversation, an xBS score should then appear in the bottom corner of the screen. And if huffy managers get the hump, what are they going to do – stop doing interviews and looking even more like dickheads than they already do? Get at it, statisticians!

OX’S GOAL WAS A DELIGHT

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain bagged his first home goal for Liverpool and it was a joy to watch. One of those that falls perfectly for you in the school playground and you score it without really realising what you’re doing at any stage in the process. Well done, son.

ALVARO MORATA HAS GOT THE HAIR OF A PLASTIC ACTION FIGURE

He does. That’s all.

JONATHAN PEARCE SHOULD GET A TRANSFER TO STRICTLY

‘Hazard… dancing… prancing….’ F*** off.

IT’LL ALL CHANGE FOR WEST BROM ONCE PARDEW STARTS SPENDING IN JANUARY

Yes, once Handsome Alan gets his hands on whatever money is in the kitty at The Hawthorns, that run of six winless matches with only two goals scored is bound to come to an end. For the worse, probably.

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