Denmark, eh? What’s that all about?
Here at Power Tower, we’ve always thought of it as little more than the slightly wetter and more miserable part of northern Germany that just happens to be the birthplace of Arsenal and the Premier League’s two greatest ever footballers, John Jensen and Nicklas Bendtner.
But apparently it’s the ‘happiest place in the world’.
And now, these joyful little Lego-loving pastry-fraudsters are all that stands between the noble Boys in Green and a place at the 2018 World Cup. Surely if they’re so bloody happy all the time, they should just step aside and let the Irish make their tipsy way to Russia? Give us poor Hibernian saps some relief from the misery of having to watch our team invent new ways to implement the long ball game over the next ten years.
But maybe an act of kindness won’t even be necessary. Because, as our extensive research will illustrate, Ireland is a far better country than the €15-a-pint, socially conscious hippy-commune of a Scandinavian wonderland we’re up against over the next week. Our findings prove conclusively the accuracy of this statement, and consequently why Martin O’Neill’s men will wipe the floor with Whoever-is-the-Danish-manager’s boys.
Lurpak can f*ck right off – it’s Kerrygold all the way
Even US model and Twitter queen Chrissy Teigen loves the gorgeous, melt-in-your-mouth splendour of the world’s finest emulsified dairy-fat product.
That Lurpak nonsense can’t hold a candle to it. Sure you can’t even spread the stuff.
Fuck you, Lurpak, you non spreadable piece of sandwich destroying shit.
— Lord Cthulhu (@LordCthulhu2) June 26, 2017
Danish ‘bacon’ is overrated, and anyway, they’re called rashers
According to the never-knowingly-incorrect World of Internet Facts, Denmark is responsible for stimulating the British love of bacon – who knew that European imports are so vital to a staple of British culture? – when they began shipping the stuff in bulk to the UK in 1867.
So you’d have thought that by now they’d be good at it.
But no. Even that Glensallagh stuff you buy in Irish Lidl is better than the Danepak muck you occasionally see lying forlornly on shelves, unsold and out-of-date, sadly contemplating the pointlessness of its existence.
Glenroe puts all the big Danish crime dramas to shame
For some reason, ‘Scandi-noir’ is hugely popular these days, largely as a result of two Danish-made TV series, Borgen and The Killing (that’s Forbrydelsen to you, pal). But we don’t see what all the fuss is about – Ireland has been doing top-notch, hard-hitting crime drama since 1983, when the dark and intricately plotted Glenroe first came to our screens.
Watch and learn, Søren Sveistrup and Co:
Supposed to be writing but I’ve been hypnotised by this compelling piece of Glenroe action someone found on Reddit 😂 Now THIS is drama! pic.twitter.com/cAeP8k677s
— Peter Ganley (@epicnewsdaily) November 3, 2017
Danish Pastries are not even Danish
Danish pastries are literally the only thing good about Denmark. But they’re not even from there.
In fact, these orgasmic little slices of sugary heaven were introduced to the country when striking bakers were replaced by immigrant bakers from Austria. With them these nomadic pastry-maestros brought a smorgasbord of cakes, sweetbreads and other dough-based foodstuffs. In fact, in Denmark, these pastries are known as Wienerbrod (Viennese bread).
You’ve been living a lie.
Ireland gets more rainfall than Denmark, which means we’re better at football. Probably.
You know the old saying:
He on whom more rain falls is better at kicking long balls.
We didn’t make that up. It’s an old maxim used widely in Ireland since about 34 BC, when a pre-Christian Irish football manager first instructed his goalkeeper to punt a ball as high and hard as he could in the direction of the centre-forward.
Denmark gets a pitiful 171-179 days of rain each year, while Ireland can boast a whopping 225 days of rain per annum in some parts of the West (although admittedly the east gets a paltry 150 or so). That’s a pretty pathetic effort from the Danes, and as a result we expect Ireland to dominate this tie.
Danish alcoholic beverages are absolute pisswater
You can keep your Carlsbergs and your Tuborgs. We wouldn’t even pour that ditch-brine into our sewers for fear of poisoning the legion of mutant, accordion-bashing leprechauns that call these subterranean pits their home.
A list of things I'd rather drink than Carlsberg:
Piping hot sewage
— Nick (@nwall89) October 28, 2017
Our brave Irish boys are fuelled on Guinness and Tullamore Dew, which makes them stronger, smarter and cleaner passers than their Danish counterparts. Really, those scurvy sons of Bluetooth don’t stand a chance.