Claude Puel will get you hot under the collar and nine other things Andy Dawson learned from the weekend

THIS MANCHESTER CITY TEAM IS THE FINEST THAT FOOTBALL HAS EVER SEEN

Cut them and they bleed pure entertainment – mind you, you’ll need to catch them first because they are SO VERY FAST. They are football’s Harlem Globetrotters. They are football’s Bruce Forsyth’s Play Your Cards Right. They are football’s crème brulee – but a really big one, like maybe seven inches in diameter. Enough to make you nauseous.

Those firework displays you’re all planning to go to in the next few days? They’re worthless – you might as well stay in and stare at your own knees instead because none of those brightly-coloured skyplosions can ever compare to the sight of Kevin de Bruyne sliding an inch-perfect ball through to Gabriel Jesus.

Manchester City – a whole new level of footballing genius.

(note to editor: please delete this when they inevitably go three matches without a win in November – I don’t want to look like some kind of prick.)

JOSE – THE ENDGAME IS COMING

If your partner starts talking about as-yet-unmet future partners that they’re hoping to get together with one day and then starts shushing you when you complain that they haven’t emptied the kitchen bin, you’d think that your relationship is built on shaky foundations. And yet here’s Mourinho openly speculating about a landing an international coaching job one day and having a pop at the Man United fans for mildly criticising the way he’s doing at Old Trafford. We’ve seen it time and time before from him – he’ll be gone by Christmas*.

XG CAN DO ONE

Nothing is boiling my piss more on Match of The Day this season than the XG (expected goals) statistic that farts its way on to my TV screen after each match. No, I don’t completely know what it is and no, I’ve got no intention of finding out. If a statistic appears in front of you and you have no desire to explore it further, it’s useless. You might as well show score predictions gleaned from the brain waves of a comatosed 88-year-old in Latvia.

FOOTBALL NEEDS MORE FIGHTING

I’m going to be honest with you – while Saturday’s Joshua v Takam brouhaha was an enjoyable watch, it didn’t get the blood coursing through my veins in the same way that the scrap between Troy Deeney and Joe Allen did. Afterwards, Mark Hughes described it as ‘unnecessary’ – well I’m describing it as magnificent! Allen, who I’d previously written off as a soppy little sod due to the fact that he keeps chickens in his garden, more than held his own as Deeney gripped on to his neck. But the Watford forward wins it, solely for shoving Ryan Shawcross to the floor while brutalising Allen.

EVERTON HAS A ‘WAY’

I’m seeing talk of ‘the Everton way’ in relation to David Unsworth’s catastrophic caretakership of the team. But what is it? Having closely studied their recent fortunes, I’d say it’s decades of underachievement punctuated with specks of hope, usually in the shape of false dawns. Sounds a lot like the fabled ‘West Ham way’ to me…

‘SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE’ ISN’T FOR ME

‘Something for everyone tonight’ said Mark Chapman at the opening of last night’s MOTD2, as the camera pulled out to reveal the morbid grimaces of Phil Neville and Jermaine Jenas. Sorry, no – I’m going to need more than just those two. A pair of drunken monkeys dressed as pirates and going at each other with gleaming blades in the middle of the studio as a minimum instead, please.

FORGET THE CRUYFF TURN – NOW WE HAVE THE KLAVAN TURN

WTF mate??

When Ragnar Klavan turned in to Lionel Messi pic.twitter.com/dHBRbBDhCU

— Kian (@herbivorekian) October 29, 2017

CLAUDE PUEL HAS GOT ME QUESTIONING MY SEXUALITY

Did you hear the way he said ‘one, two touch and penetration’ on MOTD 2 last night? If you didn’t, don’t go seeking it out because it’ll change the way you look at life, trust me. It’s the French accent I reckon. Don’t judge me.

THEM CARDBOARD CLAPPERS NEED BANNING

Who’s the mentally stunted Birmingham City employee who thought the Second City Derby needed artificial forms of atmosphere enhancement? Seriously – cardboard clappers at one of the most tightly-wounded local clashes in the land? Of COURSE the Birmingham fans used them as weapons any time a Villa player came within clapper-hurling distance. Of COURSE I’m pretending to be outraged.

RICH FOOTBALLERS NEED TO OWN THEIR MISTAKES

Reports are emerging that the obscenely wealthy duo of Neymar Jr and Alvaro Morata are missing their former clubs and regret their recent big money moves. Three words, lads – TOUGH FUCKING SHIT.

(* I’m not saying which one though)