Klopp is a flop and the nine other things Andy Dawson learned from this weekend’s football

WE ALL HAVE BAD DAYS AT WORK…

But Liverpool’s Dejan Lovren had an absolute howler yesterday. If he was working in an office, the equivalent would have been forgetting to put a cup under the coffee machine tap and getting a hot latte splashed all over his balls. And then getting immersed in a black cloud while changing the toner in the fax machine.

And then having everyone wonder why the f*ck he’s even using a fax machine in 2017. The one thing Jurgen Klopp did right yesterday was to drag Lovren off early before he burst into tears and started chewing the turf in anger. Which brings me to…

THE KLOPP EXPERIMENT HAS FAILED

Ronald Koeman has quite rightly been sacked by Everton earlier today, but would he have kept his job if he adopted some kind of demented Competitive Dad act, sticking lit firecrackers in his coat pockets for a laugh?

Because it feels like that’s the only thing that’s stopping Klopp from being drummed out of Anfield.

Put it this way, how would Liverpool fans be feeling now if the season so far had been overseen by Roy Hodgson? Exactly.

HARRY KANE WILL BE OFF SOON

He’s had Zidane singing his praises and even Diego Maradona was sniffing around at Wembley yesterday – and Kane’s performances in the past month must surely mean that a huge bid will be coming in from the warmer parts of Europe soon.

Hopefully he’ll remember to put plenty of factor 50 on his chin once he’s living sunnier climes. Some consolation for Spurs might be a swap deal that sees the return of Gareth Bale.

MARADONA WOULD BE A GREAT MANAGER

Guns, cigars, threats muttered in a language that is entirely of his own making – that’s what you’d almost certainly get if you let the greatest player of all time run things.

Why won’t some club set aside the fact that employing the stumpy Argentine cheat would almost end in disaster and probable police action, and just do it for the shits and giggles? Never mind the relegation – think of the fun.

Diego Maradona enjoyed being the half-time guest today. 🇦🇷 pic.twitter.com/EHh4HBkjAY

— Squawka Live (@Squawka_Live) October 22, 2017

WATFORD BEAT CHELSEA ACTUALLY

Let’s just forget the official 4-2 result and stop the clocks at the point where Watford were 2-1 ahead and we were all rubbing our hands with glee at the prospect of another embarrassing defeat for Chelsea.

The true result was boring – as is the fact that Chelsea and massive, rich clubs like them will continue to draw the best players from the Watfords of this world to their evil lair, even if they don’t fancy putting them in the first team,

With Richarlison probably next. Not Troy Deeney though – he knows which side his bread’s buttered. Deeney knows.

RULES IS RULES

You can’t beat an over-officious ref – so step forward and get your special medal, Stephen Martin! He’s the man who didn’t get the chance to flash the red card to Preston’s Alan Browne as he’d gotten distracted by a ten-man brawl that had broken out.

By the time he’d sorted that, Browne was in the dressing room, having declined to hang around to see his red card. Yes, that’s right – the ref insisted that Browne came back on to the pitch so he could be seen to be punished. It’s just a pity that Browne hadn’t already jumped in the shower and had to come back out wearing only a towel.

POOR JORDAN PICKFORD

Bombarded with shots last season in that woeful Sunderland team, bombarded with shots this season in that woeful Everton team.

At least he’s getting plenty of practice. AT PICKING THE BALL OUT OF THE NET. ARF.

THERE’S SOME F*CKING AWFUL TEAMS IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE

I’m a Sunderland fan and we stank the league out for years before we finally fell through the trapdoor, but it seems as though the stink has been spread around since we handed it back.

Crystal Palace, Bournemouth, West Ham, Stoke, Everton, Swansea City, Leicester City – all of them utterly minging. And none of them are freshly-promoted either, so there’s no excuse of naivety.

Relegate them all and get some fresh shite in the Premier League. Hell, give Sunderland another crack at it! We’re even worse now – you people won’t believe it!

RETIRE JOHN MOTSON NOW PLEASE

I know he’s off at the end of the season anyway but Motson’s commentary of Man City v Burnley was like listening to an 80-year-old taking control of a ride-on mower for the very first time. Make it stop!

WTF?

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