Sam Allardyce. Big Sam. Not just a man, but more of a lifestyle choice. You either buy into what he’s about or you wither and die. It’s your choice. Do it.
Big Sam has been back in the headlines again this week, linked with the empty hot seat at Leicester City as well as the USA national team manager’s job.
To be honest, it’s a mystery why he isn’t linked with every vacancy in football’s higher echelons, seeing as how he is The Greatest Manager In The World… and here’s ten reasons why…
His massive head
For science, I printed out a picture of Sam Allardyce’s head as well as one of a bison’s head, and placed them side by side. Readers, the difference was negligible.
Science also dictates that a massive head must contain a massive brain and when that brain is primarily devoted to thinking about football… well, it’s self-explanatory isn’t it?
His imposing physicality
Have you ever stood next to Sam Allardyce? I haven’t, but I know someone who did once – they said that the earth began to slowly tremble and the sun visibly retreated back into the sky.
Would Sam be the man and manager that he is if he had, say, the skeletal frame of Carry On star Charles Hawtrey? Unlikely. Also, his giant frame allows him to…
Drink pints of wine
When there’s football managing to be done, you don’t want to be messing about topping up your wine glass every few minutes. No – just pour as much of the bottle as you can into a pint glass and crack on with working out how to nullify the threat of Eden Hazard at the weekend.
He usually leaves clubs in better nick
Fans of Bolton, Blackburn Rovers, Sunderland and Crystal Palace probably get a bit misty-eyed when they hark back to their own particular Sam eras, seeing as how things went horribly backwards after he left them.
Tellingly, the only places where he isn’t fondly remembered are Newcastle and West Ham, both clubs whose fans have some up-their-own-arse ‘philosophy’ about how ‘the beautiful game’ should be played.
Bollocks – it’s win at all costs and all other opinions are irrelevant.
He has a printer he takes everywhere
Preparation is everything in football and as well as having a backroom staff you can rely on, you also need office equipment that will take a bullet for you.
That’s why Sam had the same printer at both West Ham and Sunderland. As they say, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it – it probably just needs a new colour cartridge or a couple of well-aimed punches.
He dances like a bastard
Can you imagine any other top flight manager of recent times who would publicly throw shapes like this? Okay, apart from Pardew.
He is England’s best ever manager
Big Sam walked away from his dream job with his head held high and a 100% win record, with his Three Lions averaging 20 shots per game throughout his entire tenure.
What’s more, for the whole of Big Sam’s time as England boss, they didn’t face a single on-target shot against them. I still weep when I think of what might have been if he’d been in the job for longer than that perfect 90 minutes.
He could have been Pep but better
Did you know that Big Sam was offered the Manchester City job back in 2007?
The offer was withdrawn shortly afterwards when Thaksin Shinawatra came along and pumped his dodgy money into the club, and you can’t help but think that if he’d just had faith in Allardyce, we’d now be marvelling at a decade of blue glory under his reign.
In that alternate universe, Guardiola would be crossing his fingers for the Oldham job. Or something.
He has a storm named after him
Oh yes – Storm Allardyce hit Kinuga in Papua New Guinea back in March 2010, although it wasn’t regarded as a major one – the main damage caused by it was the destruction of an off licence.
Okay, I made that last one up
Fine, so I couldn’t think of ten reasons. Bite me.