It’s Liverpool v Manchester United this Saturday lunchtime, and you can’t help but feel the ferocious heat of the intense media build-up ahead of kick off.
After all, think back to all those classic matches between the two sides in recent years. No, wait, there aren’t any because it’s almost always a load of shit, isn’t it?
Never mind – Saturday’s big match might well be a pile of old cack but by using science and my mind, I’ve been able to pit the two teams against each other in a series of arbitrary categories in order to predict the scoreline.
You’ve got this far so you might as well keep going…
MANAGERS
There’s not much between them. Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho is a skilled operator who has won league titles in four different countries and lifted the Champions League with two clubs.
Meanwhile, Jurgen Klopp is a hysterical German who has skilfully masked the fact that after two years his defence is still as porous as a Poundland colander by wanging on about ‘gegenpressing’ and shouting ‘BOOM BANG-A-BANG’ at frightened TV reporters in post-match interviews.
LFC – 7 MUFC – 10
CURRENT SQUAD
Again, it’s a close one. Some Liverpool fans reckon that the current side is as good as they’ve had in years, even though it’s only October and they’ve already had a run of just one win in seven matches.
Meanwhile, United are storming ahead at the top of the league, but their results list shows that they’ve mainly played pub teams up to now. The jury, such as it is, is out.
LFC – 7 MUFC – 7
OWNERSHIP
Both clubs are owned by Americans with a complex history of getting on the fans’ tits for assorted reasons. A draw.
LFC – 4 MUFC – 4
CHART RECORD
Both clubs have had a smattering of top 40 hits, but only United have known that woozy feeling of being at the top of the hit parade, with their Status Quo collaboration ‘Come On You Reds’ spending two weeks at number one in 1994.
Meanwhile, ‘Anfield Rap’, which pissed all over ‘Come On You Reds’, only made it as high as number three in 1988.
LFC – 9 MUFC – 10
OFFICIAL GLOBAL PARTNERS
No right-thinking club can exist these days without a long list of inexplicable commercial tie-ins and both of these legendary clubs haven’t held back when it comes to sullying their names by jumping into bed with a bunch of mad, meaningless businesses.
Yes, Liverpool has got that high-profile connection with Nivea and those woeful TV adverts, but up the road at Old Trafford, there’s practically an off-field industry in itself.
Official Tyre Partner? Yep. Official Office Equipment Partner? Uh huh. Official Global Lubricant Oil and Fuel Retail Partner? I swear I’m not making this up.
Official Global Mattress and Pillow Partner? Oh yes. Official Tractor Partner? Look – if you’re a United fan and your tractor isn’t a Yanmar, you’re a fucking tractor traitor.
LFC – 8 MUFC – 3
SOAP ARSEHOLES
Cast your mind back to the glory days of Brookside – a soap that was filled with some classic characters. I’m talking Jimmy Corkhill, I’m talking Sheila Grant and I’m talking Harry Cross.
But then there was fucking Tinhead. Seven years he was in it, until it was finally cancelled in 2003, and I’m blaming him.
Meanwhile, in Corrie, those of us who are old enough to remember him will confirm that Brian Tilsley was a proper throbber. A mechanic with an ego as big as his bouffant, we all jumped for joy when he was stabbed to death outside a disco.
LFC – 1 MUFC – 1
FINAL RESULT
Having taken all of these varying factors into consideration, it is my expert opinion that Saturday’s ‘clash’ between these two North West footballing behemoths will end in a GOALLESS DRAW!
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