Wahey! The Apprentice is back on the telly – another opportunity to gawp at a gaggle of deluded sociopaths with shit haircuts as they storm around the UK, bollocking up simple business tasks due to their complete lack of common sense, empathy or just brains.
But just imagine if… no, hear me out… just imagine if some of the top, top figures from the world of football were to become contestants on Lord Sir Alan Sugar’s annual prickfest.
Would any of them avoid a firing and become Alan’s new business pet?
Or will they just wang on and on about this increasingly tired game show being a ‘process’ and even thank Lord Sir Alan after he sacks them, like the simpering weasels that they surely are.
Let’s have a look…
BUSINESS PLAN: ‘Bit of this, bit of that’
MOST LIKELY TO: Blow the team’s task budget on a load of meat from a market at 5am without noticing that the task is to come up with an advert for a new shampoo.
MOST LIKELY TO BE FIRED FOR: Letting his mouth go and then delivering fuck all of worth. Just like in his usual jobs…
BUSINESS PLAN: ‘Fireworks for your living room. Like scented candles but BOOM BANG A BANG, JA?’
MOST LIKELY TO: Ruin a cocktail-making task by adding mustard and chili powder to the drinks before standing back and laughing with his hands on his hips.
MOST LIKELY TO BE FIRED FOR: Ruining a soap-making task by creating a Bratwurst-scented bar and then force-feeding it to Lord Sir Alan after he sneers at it.
BUSINESS PLAN: ‘Invisible speedboats. Don’t ask any questions’
MOST LIKELY TO: Not bother to turn up. Why the fuck would he?
MOST LIKELY TO BE FIRED FOR: Nothing. More likely to buy the BBC and cancel the show because he can.
BUSINESS PLAN: ‘Oh, just a little shop in a quiet part of town, selling ordinary stuff’
MOST LIKELY TO: Ghost his way through until episode eight, solely because no one has noticed him.
MOST LIKELY TO BE FIRED FOR: Finally drawing attention to himself by coughing in Lord Sugar’s boardroom.
BUSINESS PLAN: ‘Chain of flat-roof pubs, with Alsatians on ‘em.’
MOST LIKELY TO: Grab some skinny little gobshite in a cheap suit by the throat and hurl him into a skip during a team-building meeting on an industrial estate during a task to locate some cheap cinnamon.
MOST LIKELY TO BE FIRED FOR: The above.
BUSINESS PLAN: Zlatan Global Corp. ‘Don’t ask what it is – it just is.’
MOST LIKELY TO: Appoint himself as the project manager for a pet accessories task, and spending all the budget on a gold statue of himself with his knackers hanging out of his shorts.
MOST LIKELY TO BE FIRED FOR: Claiming that he cannot be fired as Zlatan is an independent state and not a human. Then trying to turn himself into a gas in order to escape to another dimension.