It’s game day two of the UEFA Champions League tonight – and as we were sitting down this morning to discuss the night’s events, something hit us.
It was our manager; telling us to get back to work. But, after that – we realised we’d overlooked something that was blatantly obvious all this time.
Piecing it together like the puzzles Alberto Moreno buys in the Early Leaning Centre and spends six weeks on, we have some good news Liverpool fans!
1976-77, 1977-78, 1980-81, 1983-84, 2004-05 and 2017-18. It’s on. Here’s why:
Scouse Sincerity
As everyone knows, Scousers don’t lie. It just doesn’t happen.
While on holidays in Costa del Croxteth, I overheard three very large, enthusiastic men whisper that ‘this was [their] year’. I was knocked for six.
These men must know something.
It’s not every day you take fans’ views into account, but they couldn’t possibly be wrong given how confident they were in their delivery.
The people of Liverpool tried to keep it to themselves, but now it’s out for the world to see.
Melwood Manipulation
Jurgen Klopp is a genius. An absolute genius. Here we were thinking their performances were middling, but as it turns out – they’ve actually been sh*t in the league on purpose.
Think about it.
There’s no way a supposed ‘big club’ could be performing in that manner.
They’ve conceded 11 times in six games. I think the secret’s out, boys. We know you’re doing it on purpose.
As the opposition bombard the Liverpool box with set piece deliveries, you can almost see the back four’s hearts break in unison. But we have you sussed, lads. It’s all an act.
Picture it – the MIGHTY Reds storm their way into the final in Kiev following a 16-3 aggregate win over Barcelona in the semi-final. Double hat-trick hero Alberto Moreno floats effortlessly around the pitch.
Real Madrid think they know Liverpool’s weakness, when – as Toni Kroos lifts one towards the penalty spot, Simon Mignolet charges from his goal to claim possession like an actual goalkeeper before winking at the camera.
They got you, Zinedine.
Well – they’re the favourites?
The UEFA Champions League consists of thirty-two teams and a simple sum tells you that only one team can win it. Bear with us.
Liverpool, the last time we checked, are one of those teams.
That gives them roughly a 3% chance of winning the tournament.
After a long, drawn-out equation, we realised that (based on that principle) Liverpool had as good a chance as Real Madrid, Paris St. German and Barcelona.
Those teams are the favourites, so Liverpool must also be classes as the favourites. We’re off to inform our traders of their mistake. Bloody amateurs!
Rafa Revelation
That spoofer Klopp is clearly holding this footballing giant back. If and when he gets sacked for giving Trent Alexander-Arnold the captaincy and playing him up top to little success, there’s a proven commodity on the market.
Currently living in the most grim place on the planet, Rafa Benitez won a Champions League with Liverpool 12 years ago.
We’re not sure if they’ve mentioned it or not, so we said we’d tell you about it.
Anyway, poor Rafa is at the mercy of a budget brand-peddling psychopath in Newcastle and given the fact he has less money to spend than your average Evertonian on toothpaste, there’s every chance the dream partnership will be back on the table.
Imagine it – Djimi Traore gets drafted into the XI ahead of the final, after Moreno’s stopped by Ukrainian customs for testing. 39-year-old Harry Kewell takes a day off from watching his episode of MTV Cribs to replace Philippe Coutinho who tied himself to a pole in Barcelona, so he could stay there after the semi-final win.
The boys are back in town!
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